Like A Phoenix
by SaccharineLittleThing
Summary: Phoenix, the bird that rises from it's own ashes with renewed youth and an eternal flame, stronger than before. Rolivia pairing. M for occasional bad language, mentions of sexual assault, and for future sexual themed chapters. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

_Rising from the ashes, you spread your wings to fly_

 _Reaching now for those final dreams, belief will never die_

 _Beautiful and so glorious, the eternal bird of fire_

 _Soaring up into the sun, leaving behind the pyre_

 _Dreams are now your destiny; reach with all your might_

 _You're a powerful inferno, ablaze and in full flight_

 _Yesterday is over, today has just begun_

 _The sky is now your playground your home is now the sun_

 _Destiny is in your grasp, forget the doubts and fears_

 _Your flame will burn eternally for all remaining years_

 _There will be times of doubt, and moments of pure sorrow_

 _But one thing that is ever true, you're the angel of tomorrow_

 **Hi. I hope you enjoy this new Rolivia pairing story. It's different from the other Rolivia stories I've seen, so that's why I enjoy writing it! Please let me know what y'all think and tell me if I should bother continuing. Takes place seven months after Lewis.**

 **Chapter 1**

Rural New Mexico paints a beautiful picture. The clouds are big and fluffy, rocks and ledges and red ground is the majority of her view, and she takes in a deep, needed breath. Her cab driver, which turned out to be harder to find than she anticipated, spoke nonstop about the plains and desert that made up the small state, and if she wasn't already so riddled with nervosity and anxiety, she'd be somewhat interested in what he was saying. Because despite her reason for being here, she can't help but love what she sees.

She grows nervous as they drive further and further away from Albuquerque, wondering if she'd said the address of her destination right. She still can't believe she'd done it. Bought a ticket, got on a plane, and flew all the way to New Mexico. She's giving up a lot, risking even more, just by being out here; and the worst part is that she doesn't know how it's going to go once she gets to her destination.

The older man driving her, who looked to be Native American or some kind of Hispanic, pulled up to a small, but beautiful property. He turns back to look at her, turquoise ring covered fingers held out as he rattles off her charge. She pays and thanks him, getting out quickly and grabbing her small amount of luggage.

A shiny, old black mustang is parked in the long driveway and she lets out a heavy breath. The cabbie is gone so she's stuck here anyway. No time to chicken out.

She walks up the gravelly driveway, eyes roaming the house and surrounding area. She can see why this is the place that was chosen. It's beautiful. Green trees line the property, rocks and grass spatter the ground, and beyond is miles and miles of red desert, mixed in with plateaus and large boulders.

She steps onto the wraparound porch and drops her bags, lifting her hand up, ready to knock, but the front door swings open before she can. Blue eyes meet shocked, shining brown ones.

"Amanda?" She hears, it's the same voice she'd fallen in love with. The same voice that broke her heart and fixed it all in the same moment. "What are you.. why are you here?" She's asked with a voice is full of curiosity and nerves and something deeper.

The screen separates them, and she wants it gone. "Can I come in?" She whispers, ignoring the question. When the other woman doesn't reply, she bites her lip. "Olivia.." She finally mutters her name. The name of the one thing she'd give everything up for. The one she _did_ give everything up for.

"Yeah.. Yeah, sorry." The older woman murmurs, pushing the screen open and stepping to the side.

Amanda leaves her things there, instead pushing inside and immediately towards the brunette. There's no words, none that come to mind. They just stare at each other for a few long moments, unsure of why things are like this.

Amanda takes the moments to study her former coworker. What once was long, beautiful brunette hair is now just past a sharp jaw. It's the shortest she's ever seen Olivia's hair. She can also tell that the other woman is thinner. She can't tell if that's a good thing or cause for concern.

It's been seven months since her ex-superior officer was abducted and tortured. Six since she decided to call it quits and move away. But it feels like eternity since she was last able to see the other woman's eyes. Those fiery brown orbs that shone so bright, even in the darkest of nights.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" Olivia asks again, arms crossing over her chest.

"I needed to see you." She murmurs, turning to assess her surroundings. The home, although completely different from Olivia's apartment in manhattan, has that same style and feeling. "Everyone went crazy when you left. We miss you."

Olivia sighs behind her, closing both doors. She tries to ignore the sound of the lock clicking. It's a harsh reminder that things have changed. "It's better this way. But.. but you can tell them that I'm doing okay. Relaxing." She replies calmly.

Amanda turns around, and she sees that Olivia has brought her bags in and set them close to the door. "You? Relaxing?" She quips, and it garners a small smile from the other woman. The atmosphere is still tense, but it's thinning.

"It's something new I've learned since being out here." Comes the brunette's soft reply. They lock eyes, and that old spark flicks once.

"Have you learned anything else?" Amanda asks, hoping Olivia will be at least a little open with her recovery and the process of healing from her traumatic experience.

The brunette bites her lip and tilts her head to the side, motioning the younger woman to follow. They move through the house, towards the back door, and Olivia opens it, a fresh, cool breeze wafting in. "Gardening."

" _Gardening?"_

"I've always wanted to garden.. I just never found the time or space for it back in New York." The older woman replies, eyes focusing on the large space full of succulents and flowers and small fruit trees. "It's like therapy without the whole.. talking thing."

And that worries Amanda. If this is what Olivia has been doing to cope, instead of talking about it and working through it, then the older woman isn't as okay as she lets on. "I see." She shoves her hands in her pockets and bites her lip. She doesn't know how to say what she wants to say. Can't find the words.

"What is it?" She hears, and turns her head to see Olivia leaning against the doorway.

Despite the underlying worry Amanda feels, she can't help but think about how beautiful Olivia looks, wearing a burgundy long sleeved shirt and light blue jeans. Her feet are bare, toenails painted a flattering white.

"Nothing.."

"C'mon.. I was a detective, I can tell when something's wrong." The older woman nudges, smiling softly. It's the second time Amanda has seen the woman smile in just under an hour.

 _Was a detective._ Another harsh reminder that things have changed.

"How have you been.. um.. coping? With the whole.. _you know.."_ She doesn't know how to speak apparently. She _does_ know how to make Olivia uncomfortable though. She can see it in the other woman's brown eyes.

"You can say his name. I won't break." She bites, tucking a short strand of hair behind her ear. "I see a shrink once a week. So I'm dealing." She informs, pushing past the younger woman and making her way towards what Amanda thinks is the kitchen.

She's about to follow, when she hears Olivia's voice call through the house. "Close and lock that door please."

 _She's dealing but she's still afraid._

She does as she's told then makes her way into the kitchen as well. "I'm glad you're seein' someone. We.. _I_ worry about you."

Olivia nods, pulling two mugs down from a cabinet without a door. They're all open, all throughout the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee? Tea?"

"Coffee please."

Olivia pops a single into the Keurig coffee maker and puts the mug under the stream of hot coffee. Amanda watches silently as the other woman makes herself tea. Another strange change.

"You're livin' like a hippie out here.." Amanda jokes, leaning against a counter. She hopes the gentle poke lands with the older woman.

Olivia laughs lightly and shakes her head. "I'm doing my best to not get into any bad habits." She explains, stirring honey into the steaming cup. "Not that coffee is a bad habit.. I just try not to drink it so often anymore. But as for other habits.." She trails off, looking into her cup. "I don't keep alcohol here. I got too close to.. you know.. before I left." It's a startling admission to Amanda, but she just listens.

"When I first moved out here, I tried to find the farthest place from people that I could. I secluded myself. And it was nice at first. Waking up to the sound of nothing.. or rain and nothing.. was what ultimately helped me relax." She takes a long sip, letting her eyes slip closed for a minute. "I started to get really lonely though. It wasn't bad, but at the current time.. I was left to my thoughts and I started buying wine.. and then bourbon, and then cheap stuff that gave the same effect, just quicker." She laughs humorlessly, shaking her head. "My therapist said that I needed to get rid of the alcohol. So it hasn't been in my home for four months now."

"I'm proud of you, Liv." Amanda smiles, moving closer to the older woman. "And.." She feels tears well up. " _God._ I missed you." She closed the distance between them, not really knowing if any contact will trigger the older woman. But in the moment, she doesn't care.. as selfish as that is.

She's relieved when Olivia wraps her arms hesitantly around her shoulders, and they stay there for a moment. Just feeling the presence of one another.

When they pull away, Olivia wipes a stray tear from her cheek and smiles. "So I'm assuming with that luggage you brought, you're staying here."

"If you'll have me." Amanda smiles shyly, embarrassed that she'd actually shown up without asking or at least warning.

"Of course." Is the response she gets though, and she's delighted.

They won't talk about for how long, because neither women know. And despite the hesitation and slight nervosity Olivia obviously has, Amanda can tell that the other woman is relieved to not be alone for once.

….

The next morning, she awakens to nothing. Just as Olivia had said. It's so quiet that she can't tell if it's relaxing or overwhelming.

They'd both turned in early, Amanda was tired from the flight and Olivia had, over the months, taken to sleeping early. A luxury she cherished since living here. So after they had a nice dinner, they settled into the living room for light chatting, up until Olivia stood and called it a night.

She stretches her tired limbs and breathes in the scent that is purely Olivia.

There's a knock on her door and she sits up, smiling when she sees the other woman open the door slowly. "You can come in, Liv.." She laughs.

"I didn't want to wake you if you were still sleeping. These doors are loud if I open them too quickly." She shrugs, shoving her hands into her back pocket. Amanda lets her eyes wander for a moment, taking in the brunette's attire. She's wearing a large, worn out T-Shirt and jeans, which have holes in various places and greenish brown stains on the knees.

"I was outside picking some herbs and veggies. I thought maybe you'd want an Omelet with fresh ingredients."

"That sounds amazing." The younger woman replies, slipping from the bed. She watches brown eyes drift to her short clad legs, and she blushes. "Do you mind if I shower before breakfast?"

"Go for it." Olivia nods, turning to grab a few towels from the closet behind her. "I'm going to get breakfast started." She sets the plush towels on the bed and makes her way out of the room quickly.

They have so much to talk about. So much air to clear and ice to break. It's almost sad how awkward things are.

Amanda sheds her clothes and makes her way into the bathroom that's adjoining her temporary bedroom. As she steps under the warm stream of water, she can't help but think back to before everything _changed._

She and Olivia had finally decided to start on the path of taking things further. Things with Brian were dissipating quickly and a new spark was being ignited between the two women.

The night Olivia was taken was supposed to be their first date. And it broke Amanda's heart that things took the turn they did.

She scrubbed the travel off her body and washed her hair, quickly rinsing before stepping out and wrapping a towel around her body. She feels the usual anger that comes with thinking about what happened well up inside of her, and she tries desperately to tamp it down. Now is not the time.

Instead of blow drying her hair like usual, she ties it up in a ponytail and dresses herself. She wants to spend as much time with Olivia as she can, and she can't do that if she spends so much time thinking about the past.

"That was quick." Olivia states, looking up from chopping fresh vegetables.

"Habit." Amanda smiles, shrugging.

"At least I don't have to worry about you running my water bill through the roof.." She cracks, a never-before seen twinkle in her dark eyes.

"Yes, I am extremely low maintenance…" Amanda jokes back, eyeing the bowl of fruit on the small island. "But right now I am extremely hungry.."

"I just washed the fruit so take what you want. I'm about to whisk up these eggs and add the peppers and mushrooms." Amanda's mouth waters as the older woman speaks. They both know that the younger blonde is a sucker for food.

"A woman after my own heart.." She mutters, not thinking about what's coming out of her mouth as she stuffs fruit _into_ it."

She stiffens, and so does Olivia.

That unspoken thing that's remained on the back burner is now making it's way to the front. As long as She doesn't broach it, maybe it'll stay unspoken for just a little while longer.

"...Well.." Olivia smiles nervously, eyes focusing on chopping, "consider yourself lucky because if we were back in Manhattan, I probably would never cook for you. Or anyone. Or just in general."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to the few people who reviewed, I'll keep this story going and you all can let me know how I'm doing as we go! I hope you like this chapter. I enjoyed writing it. ;)**

 **Chapter 2**

Rain beats down onto the shingled roof of Olivia's house, the steady thrumming of water droplets creating a beautiful cadence. Amanda sits in the older woman's living room with a book that's yet to be opened.

Olivia had declared that she was going to take a nap nearly an hour ago, which was another new thing. In all the years of knowing the other woman, she'd known her to struggle, even to sleep at night due to their demanding work schedule, let alone _nap._ She smiles, thinking that even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to get herself to sleep during the day.

Her eyes roam the room again for the umpteenth time, taking in her surroundings. Somewhere deep inside her is still shocked that Olivia Benson, the woman who wouldn't even take the day off, had moved so far away from New York. It makes the younger woman think about how badly the Lewis ordeal had affected her, how much it changed her… to the point of moving out of the state and across the country.

A soft thud coming from Olivia's room draws her from her deep thought. She jumps up and hurries to the bedroom, but stops short. The door is closed and she doesn't want to barge in. "Liv?" She calls, hearing nothing on the other side of the door. "Olivia, you okay?" Still nothing for a long moment, then the doorknob turns and she lets out a deep breath. She's okay enough to open the door.

She wants to smile when she sees the sleepy older woman open the door, fingers combing through tangled short brown hair. "Is something wrong?" She asks raspily, arms folded over her chest.

"No.. No I just.. I heard a noise and got worried." The blonde smiles sheepishly. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah.. I woke up to the alarm I set for my nap and my phone fell when I reached for it." She eyes the blonde, a small frown on her lips. "You don't need to worry so much, Amanda.. I'm not going to break."

The younger woman is taken back, caught off guard at the words, and her eyes widen. "No, I know.. I just thought.. I don't know what I thought." She shrugs, leaning against the wall by Olivia's door. Her eyes slip closed and she thinks for a moment. She shakes her head and lets out a humorless laugh. "I guess my brain just automatically jumps to the thought that you aren't okay. I'm sorry."

Olivia softens at that, and she shakes her head. "You don't need to be sorry. I appreciate that you worry." The words are quiet, and after she speaks, she pushes past the blonde and down the hallway towards the kitchen.

"Part of the reason why I left New York is because of the kid gloves." She states, pulling down a mug and filling it with water. She puts it in the microwave and turns to face Amanda, leaning back against the counter. "Everyone thought that I was going to break at any moment and I couldn't take it. Maybe I was going to break.. Maybe I wasn't. I don't know. I just know that in all my life, I've never needed to be handled with care and I didn't want to start now. _Then."_

Amanda takes the words in, lets them run around in her mind for a moment. "When I lived in Atlanta, I took care of me and my sister. My mom was out all the time and my daddy.. well he wasn't really a daddy to us. I was never given the chance to be taken care of and worried about, I was always the one worrying… How am I gonna pay for Kim's meds, what time should I start dinner, what can we _afford_ for dinner.. It sucked. As much as I didn't need it, I wished I had someone to care after me.. You know?"

Before Olivia could respond, the timer beeps on the microwave, making her jump. She clears her throat and turns to retrieve her hot water, looking into the mug as she steeps her tea.

Amanda hopes she got her point across; hopes that Olivia realizes that although she doesn't _need_ to be treated with kid gloves, sometimes it's okay to be looked after and worried about.

"While I'm here…" Amanda steps closer, blue eyes boring into the back of the other woman's head. She continues when Olivia turns around and they lock gazes. "Will you let me take care of you? _Worry_ about you?"

Olivia sets her mug down onto the counter forcefully, hot liquid sloshing out of the side and onto her hand, and she gasps in pain. And in seconds, before Amanda's eyes, Olivia is lost.

Her hand is shaking and she's standing still, eyes wide and filled with fear. Finally, she gasps in a large breath of air and speaks raggedly. "S-stop.. Make it stop.." She whispers, looking down at her burning flesh.

Amanda realizes that the other woman has maybe been triggered, the burn from the hot tea sending her back to when Lewis tortured her. _Burned her._

"Hey, hey, hey.. Liv, it's okay, it's just tea.." She soothes, grasping the brunette's good hand in hers and pulling her towards the sink. She turns the water on, not too cold but not too hot, and puts the burnt hand under the cooling stream. "It's okay, you're okay.."

Brown eyes watching the water stream over her pink skin, and she sighs shakily in relief. "It's just tea.." She murmurs, swallowing thickly.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Liv.. Or trigger you." Amanda whispers, resting a hand softly on the older woman's back.

"It wasn't you. They just happen sometimes. Not as often as before but they still happen." She assures, clearing her throat. There's tears welled up in her waterline but they've yet to break the barrier. They probably won't, Amanda thinks, taking note of the quick buildup of walls around the taller woman.

Olivia finally pulls away, turning the tap off and moving to a drawer by the back door. She grabs a pack of seeds, what looks like a winter flower from the photo on the packet, and dumps a few into her hand. "I'll be right back." She says, not making an effort to look at the blonde.

Is she going to plant flowers?

Amanda follows her quietly, eyes never leaving the other woman's form as she stuffs her hands in gloves and grabs a small shovel and her waterspout.

Her movements seem erratic, yet calm at the same time, and by the time she's done burying the seeds and watering them, she's calmed down fully.

 _It's like therapy._

When she makes her way back inside after putting her tools back, she lets out a deep breath. "I think we should talk." She states quietly.

Amanda nods wordlessly, following the older woman into the living room. They sit on the couch, a few feet away from each other. "I talk to a shrink, I have one." Olivia states firmly, and Amanda only nods. "I've gotten better throughout the past few months, but I'm not.. _healed_ yet. I still think about what.. what the did to me. I still have flashbacks and triggers, but I'm getting better."

She pauses, eyes darting around the room. "But.." She takes a deep, shaky breath. "It hasn't been easy. And I'm glad that.. that you're here now."

Amanda can tell that this was hard for Olivia to admit. And she smiles, scoots close, and takes the older woman's hand. She brings it up to her lips and kisses it softly, ignoring the surprised look on her companion's face. "You don't have to be alone anymore." She murmurs against warm skin, blue eyes never breaking from brown ones. "I'm here."

….

A few hours later, Amanda wakes up, body entangled with Olivia's on the couch. She stifles a laugh. So much for not being able to nap during the day. She figures that Olivia must have been exhausted from earlier, so she disentangles herself, careful not to wake the older woman, and pads quietly towards the kitchen.

They missed lunch, she notes, looking at the clock on the stove. It's nearing dinner time. She decides on making dinner for the both of them, hoping Olivia will relax for awhile longer. She glances across the room at the couch, and notices that the brunette has settled a little more. Good.

She lets out a deep breath and shakes her head. She doesn't know what she expected when she'd decided to fly out here. But the amount of change Olivia endured is a little frightening. She's almost a new person, and the blonde can't tell if that's good. And try as she might, the worry she feels for her friend nags at her constantly. She opens the other woman's fridge, and is pleasantly surprised to see that it's fully stocked. There's various meats and veggies and a few types of juices blended in tupperware jugs. Probably homemade.

She pulls out a package of beef and sifts through the vegetables. She's going to make tacos, she decides. Tacos make everyone feel better.

Halfway through cooking, she glances up from the pan to see Olivia leaning against the large frame of the kitchen entrance. And god, she looks beautiful. The wooden spoon she's using clanks into the pan and she's jarred back to reality. "Hey.." she clears her throat. "How'd you sleep?"

"Alright.. What are you making?" She tucks a brown strand behind her ear and crosses her arms over her chest. She does that a lot, Amanda notes. "It smells good."

"Tacos. I hope you're hungry." She winks, turning back to the food. She doesn't look back up when she asks. "You um.. You feelin' better?" She doesn't see the small smile on Olivia's face.

"Yes. Thank you."

She chances a glance then, unable to keep her eyes away for too long. "For what?"

"Taking care of me. Being here." Olivia shrugs, moving to stand next to the blonde.

"Always, Liv.." Amanda smiles shyly. She takes a piece

of the beef and blows on it, then holds it up to Olivia. She doesn't know if this is okay, but she doesn't care.

The older woman eyes it, then steps forward and parts her lips. Before Amanda can't pop it into her mouth, Olivia steps back. "Throw it."

A blonde brow arches, but she complies. She tosses it lightly and it lands right on the side of Olivia's mouth, then falls to the floor. They're quiet for a moment before they both bust out in laughter. "You moved!" The blonde accuses, eyes shining.

"No, your aim is just terrible." She sasses, arching a challenging eyebrow.

"You think you can do better?"

"I know I can."

She steps forward and takes a good sized chunk of meat and steps back. "Open up, Blondie." She demands cockily and poises her hand to throw it. She blows on it as Amanda does as she's told. "Don't move." She squints and eye for a moment, then throws.

It lands directly in Amanda's mouth and she smiles triumphantly, bringing her pointer finger up to her lips, mimicking a gun, and blows.

"Fluke." Amanda grumbles, Licking her lips. "That's good meat."

"The neighbor brings it to me." Olivia informs, grabbing a piece and pops it into her mouth. "I don't know where she gets it but it's amazing."

Amanda furrows her brow, "I didn't see a neighbor."

"She lives in the opposite direction of town. About a half mile away. She brings it on her way in from town."

The blonde is quiet for a moment. "...Do _you_ go into town?"

Olivia nods slowly, "For therapy and the occasional trip to the store. I don't like.. being _out_ much." She bites her lip and stares at the sizzling food. Amanda can understand. She _does_ understand.

"Well I'm glad you have someone helpin' you out. Even just a little." Amanda smiles, turning the stove off and moving to the veggies. "I didn't even look.. Do you have taco shells? Or soft tortillas?"

Olivia cracks a smile, shaking her head. "You decided on tacos before you made sure I had all the ingredients?" She teases.

"Well I guess we're having taco _salad._ I _know_ you have the stuff for that." She mentally pats herself on the back at her quick fix.

"Sounds good to me. Do you want help?"

Amanda shakes her head, a firm look in her eyes as she nods towards the bedrooms. "I _want_ you to go relax until I'm done. I've got everything handled in here. You go.. take a bath or something. Change into something that doesn't have soil stains." She winks and they both look at the worn in jeans, covered in grass and dirt stains.

"Bossy." Olivia grumbles, turning to walk down the hall.

Amanda feels that same feeling she got nearly three years ago. That feeling of contentment and adoration and..

No, she won't think it yet. Olivia isn't ready for that much. She doesn't know if she is either. All she knows is that she can't lose Olivia again.

And she'll make sure she doesn't this time.


	3. Chapter 3

**So reviews are slow but I have faith in this story! So much so that I have all the way up to chapter TEN finished, so if you want more, you gotta let me know ;) I like this chapter, but then again, I like them all...**

 **Chapter 3**

There's a storm the second night Amanda's there, and it brings no sleep to Olivia. The blonde watches as her friend paces in front of the back door, occasionally checking her garden. It's nearing 3 AM and they were both tired.

"Liv, plants are supposed to go through different weather patterns.. they'll be okay." Amanda tries to assure her, but she knows the words are for naught. She watches as Olivia bites her lip, and after she checks outside again, the younger woman finally gets up and walks over to Olivia. "Please come sit down.. You're making _me_ anxious." She smiles, taking Olivia's hand and pulling her to the couch.

She doesn't hesitate in wrapping her arms around the older woman.

"I just worked so hard on it." The brunette whispers, letting her body sink into Amanda's warm embrace. "I don't know what I would do if it was ruined."

Amanda rests her chin on brown hair and she lets out a breathy laugh. "If it's ruined, we'll just plant more."

"We?"

" _Yes."_

It's quiet between them, but it's no longer awkward. That fizzled away overnight, thankfully. They revel in the closeness for a few moments, and then Amanda speaks. "Why is the garden so important?" She asks lightly. "I mean, other than the fact that you worked hard on it."

"My therapist.. said that I should find a hobby. For when I think of what Lewis did to me.. You know? So I took up gardening. Everytime I think of him or what he did, I plant something."

It makes sense now. How Olivia rushed to plant those winter flowers the day before, the way she looks at them, the care she puts into tending to them.

"I wish I knew to do that." She says mindlessly, and she regrets it. She doesn't want to bring up her own problems while Olivia is so anxious.

"Back in Atlanta?" The brunette murmurs, looking up at Amanda. Blue mixes with brown, and Amanda smiles slightly, nodding. She doesn't speak. She wants Olivia to talk. "You know.. Everyone used to tell me how strong I was. Before Lewis. I was _Badass Benson._ Now.. now I can't help but think about how weak I am. I'm not a cop anymore.. I'm alone, cooped up in my home, too scared to go into town more than I need to.. It's pathetic." She laughs sardonically, laying her head back down on Amanda's shoulder. Surprisingly, she doesn't pull away from the comforting embrace, and Amanda is glad, because she doesn't want the older woman to see the pain and sorrow on her face.

"What happened to you doesn't make you _weak_ , Olivia. It makes you a survivor. You know that." She assures, squeezing Olivia's waist. "Just because you aren't as.. resilient and tough as before, doesn't mean you won't be again. You just gotta work through things first."

She feels the older woman's eyelashes flutter against her jaw and she holds in a contented sigh. She could be like this forever, just right here with Olivia.

"You know.." The brunette starts shyly, picking at the hem of her sleep shirt. "Part of the reason why I said yes to going on a date with you is _that right there_. How you use your words and understand."

"If not for my dashing good looks, then for my way with words." Amanda states cockily.

"Okay, _that_ was definitely not a reason why. I can tell you that." The brunette laughs. Amanda smiles, glad that the older woman is feeling better.

She smirks, "It stopped storming."

"I didn't even notice." Olivia hums, not making an effort to move.

"Do you wanna check on the garden?" Amanda asks, sinking further into the couch and banding her arms fully around Olivia's waist.

"We can in the morning."

And for the second time in as many days, they fall asleep entwined on Olivia's medium sized couch, completely content in each other's arms.

….

She wakes up to the smell of coffee and bacon. It's bright in the living room, and on any other day in New York, it would automatically put her in a bad mood. But here, in Olivia's home, it's heaven.

"You up?" Amanda hears, and she notices that Olivia's voice is lighter.

"Yeah. Smells good."

"I made you some coffee and I'm working on breakfast right now."

Amanda gets up, stretching her tight limbs, and makes her way into the kitchen. "Did we both sleep on the couch?"

"Yeah, but I didn't sleep long. I was up by seven."

She smiles and watches as the older woman pushes eggs around in the pan. Once again, she thinks that she can do this, be here, forever.

"You don't have to do all this, Liv. I can make my own food." She smiles, helping the by taking down plates and glasses as the brunette finishes up the food. Where they're at right now paints a domestic picture, and it brings a wave of warmth to the blonde. This is where she wanted to be from day one.

"What else am I supposed to do at 8 AM? I got hungry and I figured you would be too." That's that. Amanda takes it and soon, they're at their usual spots at the small kitchen table, chatting mindlessly about little things. As Olivia speaks about how she found this house, why she decided to move here, she can't help but notice small details. A freckle on the older woman's top lip, a scar just under the arch of her left brow, and her new favorite, small flecks of gold peppering the deep brown of her eyes.

Only in this pure New Mexico lighting does she notice those small details. Only here will she let them affect her so much.

"Amanda?"

She's drawn from her thoughts by Olivia's soft voice, and she hums, shoving a forkful of lukewarm eggs into her mouth in a bad attempt to clear her thoughts. "Sorry, what'd you say?"

"...I was just asking if your food was okay. You weren't eating it."

Amanda shakes her head and takes another bite. "No, it's good. I was just thinkin'." She murmurs around her eggs.

"About what?"

 _Be honest? Or make something up?_

"A lot of things." She sighs, looking down at her food. "I don't know. As selfish as it is, there's a part of me that wished you and I could um.. _pursue_ things earlier on." It's not like Olivia doesn't know how she feels, the blonde thinks. "But then I think that things would be worse now if we did."

Olivia takes a sip of her tea, nodding slightly. Amanda thinks she may have made things uncomfortable, and she's about to say something else, but Olivia speaks up.

"I don't know how things would've gone if we'd started anything sooner than we had. Nothing was even really _started.._ You know?" The words sting. Amanda's mind tells her to retreat, change the subject or get the hell outta dodge. "I can't help but want you here with me though.. And that has to mean something. Right?" She adds, shrugging sheepishly.

"I'm always here for you, Liv. As a friend and as more. Whatever you want." She thinks her undying devotion to this woman, this once broken, now mending woman, might be scary, but the fact that said woman was almost taken from her, clears all other thoughts away. She'll do whatever it takes.

….

The sun is out fully, later that day. Big, white, puffy clouds dot the sky, and Amanda has never seen it like this. Clouds so low you could almost touch them, sun out but the breeze cools it's harsh rays. It smells like rain, maybe from earlier or maybe a sign of what's to come. She doesn't mind it though.

She unashamedly watches Olivia, sipping a tall glass of lemonade that is supposed to be for the other woman who is on her knees in the dirt, tending to her garden.

"So how many pairs of jeans do you ruin doing that?" She calls, squinting against the bright sun. She can't help the beaming smile that crosses her face when Olivia looks up, brushes the hair away from her forehead and wiping a dark streak of dirt across her otherwise perfectly tanned skin.

Which, Amanda notices, has gotten much darker since the last time she saw her in new york.

"I have designated gardening clothes, thank you very much." Olivia sasses, standing up and shucking off her gloves. "Isn't that my lemonade?"

"I got thirsty."

The brunette rolls her eyes and snags the glass, bringing to her lips and downing nearly half in one go.

Amanda is mesmerized by the way the chords and muscles of Olivia's neck moves as she drinks, a light sheen of sweat glistening in the afternoon sunshine.

"I set up lunch before I came out here." The blonde states, subconsciously reaching up to wipe the dirt off the older woman's forehead. "Take a break and come eat."

She's expecting a smart retort, or even a mere eye roll, but she's awarded neither. A simple smile and nod is what she gets.

And, dare she say it? Eyes full of something sweet.

Olivia makes herself a sandwich, chock full of veggies and condiments and meat. She eats like it's her first and last meal, quite comically if Amanda is honest, and is done before the blonde can finish half of her own sandwich.

"Hungry much?"

Olivia smirks and shrugs, then moves to the back door to kick off her shoes. "I think I'm going to take a shower." She pauses for a moment, as if she's contemplating something, then adds, "After, maybe.. we could talk?"

 _About what?_ Amanda wants to ask. She almost does, but she figures that Olivia will tell her soon enough.

"Of course. Take your time."

And as her friend walks off down the hall she's growing familiar with, she can't help but think that they have all the time in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

**I tried to post two days ago but it hasn't been letting me! :( I have many chapters finished, so I will post more regularly now, but please let me know what you think of it so far! I enjoy writing it very much so I really hope you all enjoy reading it.**

 **Chapter 4**

Olivia speaks softly, body curled up on one end of the couch. Amanda hasn't tried to touch her, she knows it won't be helpful. The words coming out of her mouth send deep, unsettling tremors through the younger woman's body.

The up and down in atmosphere she and Olivia have experienced can make any person motion sick.

She refocuses her attention on her friend as she hears her tone drop, quake.

"I was with him for almost five days.. they bleed together. I was so drugged up and drunk." She swipes at a tear away from her cheek and shakes her head. "The shitty part is.. is that the nights I don't remember are the ones I can't forget. I still don't know what exactly.. he did."

Amanda wonders how this topic came up. She doesn't question Olivia's choice for opening up _now._ Seven months later. But it still breaks her heart.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." It's the most she can say. It's _all she can_ say. She scoots closer, not much, but it's enough to make Olivia look up from her fidgeting hands. She gives the blonde a sad smile.

"It happened. I'm starting to accept it. Well.. _trying_ to accept it." She shakes her head. "I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks. Maybe more." She murmurs softly, eyes casting down ashamedly.

"Liv…"

"I just.. I know it's not good but I haven't found the energy to drive into town to see her. I thought I was doing okay for a while."

The blonde closes the gap then, unable to keep space between them any longer. She knows what it's like. The feeling Olivia is going through is something similar to what she went through back in Atlanta. She takes Olivia into her arms and they sit there for a moment. This position has been a tradition for the past 3 days and she'll be damned if it changes. She's never felt closer to this woman.

"I can't make you go, Liv, but I can try and be here for you for as long as I can."

And that brings up the question that's been at the back of their minds for the past couple days. "When do you have to leave?" Olivia asks, brown eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Never.. if you don't want me to.."

Olivia scoffs, swiping at her eyes. Her hair is in a half up half down style and tendrils is curly brown strands cling to tanned flesh. This is what she's like without the makeup and hair product. Utterly gorgeous.

"You gotta go back sometime. I'm sure they're missing you."

Amanda shakes her head and leans back against the couch, body still in close contact with Olivia's. "I quit." She says shortly, eyes staring blindly at the ceiling.

"What? Why?"

The blonde shakes her head, but keeps her eyes in place. She knows the reason behind her quitting will terrify Olivia. They're both not ready to hear the words.

"Because it isn't where I belong." She replies lightly, a small smile gracing her lips. She'll never admit it but putting her papers in felt like a weight off her shoulders.

"And where is it that you belong?" Olivia's voice has reached a vulnerable, almost childlike tone, and Amanda knows that the answer to this will _also_ terrify them both. That doesn't stop her brain from thinking it though.

 _Wherever you are._

"I'm still trying to figure it out." It's the easiest lie she's ever told. Because deep down, it's not fully a lie. Deep down she knows that it may be the only real _truth_ she has at the moment.

"Me too."

And they sit there, like the night before and the day before that, bodies pressed closely together, heartbeats and breaths synchronized.

….

It's a silent agreement between the two of them that Amanda would not be leaving anytime soon. What she's got with her will suffice until she can go shopping for a few more things. She'd settled in her head on the way to New Mexico that she would be there for Olivia until she wasn't needed anymore, and that will stand for eternity.

She's given up everything for her everything. That means starting a new life with her in a different place as something in between friends and lovers. And she's okay with that.

Olivia's fingers had slipped in between hers what feels like hours ago, but was probably only about twenty minutes. That unspoken thing between them that they kind of spoke about sizzles on the backburner. Not enough to completely engulf them in flames but just enough to keep them warm for the time being.

And they don't feel the need to talk right now. So they just exist, right here on the couch, in the middle of a quiet living room of a house placed snugly in the outskirts of Albuquerque.

The hardest part about being so close to Olivia, is the fact that she also feels miles away at the same time. She could be physically holding this woman in her arms yet be in completely different realms. It haunts her deeply; how Olivia can drift so far off.

She feels the other woman's fingers loosen around hers and she looks over, seeing that she's falling asleep. They haven't had dinner but she doesn't see that happening anyway, so she instead stands up, cups Olivia's cheeks, and whispers until the other woman is awake. "Let's get you to your bed," She murmurs softly, helping the other woman up off the couch. They walk through the house, Amanda shuts the lights off as she goes, and when she passes by a window, she stops suddenly.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asks, and Amanda shakes her head.

"Nothing.. I just.. I haven't seen a sunset like that in years." She hums sadly, eyes drawn to the reds and pinks and dark blues that paint the sky.

"Come here," Olivia smiles, holding her hand out.

Amanda takes it and follows, swallowing thickly as they make their way into Olivia's bedroom. She isn't quite sure what's going on but she won't ask questions. She's learned not to, especially when it comes to Olivia Benson.

Olivia lets go of her hand and walks over to her bedroom window. The curtains are thick and dark, hanging low to the floor, and Amanda can tell that they hold the darkness in when they're shut; which makes her wonder how many nights (or days) Olivia's shut herself in here. Her eyes widen as the older woman parts them. A full view of the setting sun, unobstructed by anything but the mountains and boulders and plateaus in the background. It's like a lifesize professional photo hanging in the middle of the brunette's room, and it's gorgeous.

"The first few nights after I moved in here, I would stay up, I think all night, and look at the stars." Olivia says, eyes watching as red turns to dark blue. "You don't see many stars in Manhattan. And before I started gardening, counting the stars out there was my therapy away from therapy."

Amanda turns away from the large window, blue eyes shining with adoration. "Olivia Benson, you continue to amaze me." She doesn't know from which part of her brain those words come from but she has to believe it's from the part where she holds the purest, most untainted love for Olivia.

A tectonic plate of emotion between them shifts, causing an earthquake- now a tsunami- of new feelings barreling through Amanda.

"I think it's time for bed." Olivia states quietly. The blonde's shoulders drop dejectedly, and she nods, turning to leave. Fingers band around her wrist though, and she's pulled lightly in the opposite direction of the door. "Not alone." She adds, and a thick ball of clay makes its way into Amanda's throat. Fuck, she can't breathe. But if this is suffocating then she'll go happily.

"Are you sure?" She asks, eyes swimming with curiosity and caution.

"It's just sleeping, Amanda.." Olivia assures, although it sounds weak and unconvincing. Sure, it'll be just sleeping tonight because they're not there yet, but it's pushing them in that direction, and the last thing the younger woman wants now is to make Olivia uncomfortable. If they aren't there yet or ready, then they aren't there yet or ready. "We did just fine on the couch. This is just the more comfortable alternative."

And because Amanda can't _really_ say no to Olivia, she caves in and nods her assent. "Let me just go brush my teeth and change into my sleep clothes, okay?"

Olivia nods and steps toward her own dresser, pulling out yoga pants and an oversized t shirt.

Amanda quickly steps out, closing the door behind her and letting out a much needed air of breath. _This is what she needs._ She tells herself, and she half believes it. But the other half, the detective half, tells her that this isn't like Olivia. The New York Olivia wouldn't ask someone to share her bed just for the hell of it.

This is the victim Olivia at work. Constantly fidgety and unsure and borderline needy. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have this side of the once seasoned detective, but to have it after such a traumatic experience is a little worrisome.

But she thinks about the progress Olivia has made over the months, and despite the fact that she hasn't recently visited her shrink, but still _has_ one eases her mind a little. As she brushes her teeth, she notes that Olivia has been open about how she feels lately and that's a good sign. She finishes up in the bathroom and changes into her shorts and tank top, then makes her way back into Olivia's room.

She stops outside the door and takes another clear breath. Being so close to Olivia, it'll be the last easy breath she takes for many hours.

….

Three AM seems to be Olivia's waking hour, because Amanda feels a sudden rush of cold air on her legs, and she recognizes it as the sheet and blanket being whipped off of her. She's confused for a moment, but only one, because in the next, she's jumping out of bed and wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist.

"Liv," She whispers, unsure of what exactly is going on, but the second Olivia speaks, her blood runs cold.

"Get your hands off of me."

It's a tone of voice she's never heard before, caught between a growl and whisper. She doesn't even recognize it as a voice used when dealing with perps. It's scary, bone chilling.

"Olivia, what's going on?" She whispers, fingers coming up to touch the older woman's quivering chin, and it's not even a full five seconds before she's being pushed onto the bed forcefully, body lunging from the floor and landing on the mattress with a muffled 'oof.'

"You're not going to hurt me again." The older woman bites, digging her fingers into Amanda's jaws, and in the dim lighting of the stars and moon, Amanda sees that Olivia's eyes are empty. And she realizes that she's asleep.

"Liv, wake up," She urges, trying desperately not to make any jerky or sudden movements, but Olivia only presses her more firmly into the bed.

"How do _you_ like it?" She rasps, tears evident in her voice. Their faces are only inches apart, bodies pressed so tightly together it's damn near suffocating. Not the good kind. "Being pinned to a mattress like some kind of-"

"Olivia! Wake. Up." Amanda demands, freeing an arm and wrapping it around the older woman's neck. She caresses softly, hoping the soothing gesture does something productive. She feels Olivia falter, feels a teardrop on her cheek, and she's confused for a moment, wondering if she's crying without knowing. But then she feels another drop onto her nose and lip and she realizes that the salty tears are Olivia's. "Liv, baby, please wake up. It's a dream, okay? It's-"

"Amanda?"

If she wasn't losing air by the second she would let out a deep, relieved breath.

"Yes.. Yeah.." She rushes out, fingers threading through short brown hair. "You're okay," She purrs softly, tears of her own finally making their way out of their ducts. She doesn't want to separate from Olivia, only wants for new air, so she turns their bodies to the side, both pairs of feet dangling off the side of the bed. She keeps her hand in Olivia's hair as the other comes up to cup a warm cheek. "You're okay." is all she can say in the moment, and it seems to be enough. Olivia nods, then brings her face forward. Their lips touch, but it's not a kiss. They aren't ready for that. Instead Olivia just brushes her top lip over Amanda's bottom softly and murmurs a watery "I'm sorry."

Amanda wants to respond, but she's stunned in place from that subtle-yet-not-so-subtle gesture. So she nods and pulls the blanket up from the edge of the bed and wraps it around them. Olivia falls asleep soon after, soft, even puffs of breath warming the blonde's chin. She lets out a soft sigh of her own.

Sleep won't come easy for Amanda tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you guys for the reviews! I can see you're all starting to warm up to it and that makes me so happy! Here's the next chapter! I hope you like it. :)**

 **Chapter 5**

Early morning comes quickly, the sun making its appearance. Luckily, it's not shining directly into Olivia's bedroom, because Amanda doesn't want to get up to close the curtains and potentially disturb her bedmate. She watches the brunette sleep, telling herself that it isn't creepy. But she can't help but stare; the scene before her is utterly breathtaking.

She's never seen a woman so at peace though, and it's a calming sight. Especially seeing _this_ woman at peace. One wouldn't think that just hours before, the older woman had woken up-but didn't _really_ wake up-and have a frightening experience. This change alone could make her believe in brighter sides and happy endings.

Nothing has been so life-changing yet so terrifying as this, right here.

Long, dark eyelashes flutter and Amanda sucks in her breath, not knowing if this is when Olivia wakes up and pushes her away. And when brown eyes slowly appear, she braces herself for high walls, an ivory tower of defense and security.

But it never comes.

The only thing that happens is brown and blue mixing together, creating a warm concoction of desire and trust. Something's shifted overnight. She can feel it in her bones. But like usual, she won't approach the subject again until Olivia is ready for it. So she lays there instead, breath mingling with Olivia's, and a silent conversation with only eyes as the communicators. She feels the other woman's hand caress her back softly, barely moving an inch in each direction. It somehow warms her entire body and she feels the need to kick the thick comforter off her body. But until Olivia does, she won't move.

"I remember last night." Olivia finally whispers. Amanda searches brown eyes for any sign of regret or embarrassment. She surprisingly finds none. "I haven't had a nightmare in a while. Well.. one like _that_ at least."

"I think it's because you talked about it before you went to sleep." Amanda replies, and she smiles sadly. "I think we should take it easy today. No heavy conversations. Just for today." She relaxes when Olivia nods in agreement. She likes being on the same page.

"I remember kissing you." The older woman blurts, eyes dipping to the blonde's lips.

Amanda holds in a laugh, "It wasn't really a kiss."

"Well whatever it was.." Olivia huffs, letting her eyes slip closed, "I don't mind it happening again." Amanda's wide eyes sees her attempt at hiding a smirk. She's perplexed. She wants so badly to kiss Olivia in this moment, but deep down, her inner detective tells her that this is a vulnerable time for the brunette and it's best not to take advantage of her.

She smiles and tucks a rogue strand of brown hair behind the other woman's ear and nods. "I'm happy to kiss you when _we're_ ready for that step. Until then, I'm more than okay with just holding you. Whenever you want."

Olivia sighs, but nods, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. They lay there for a long moment, breathing in the cool air of the bedroom. "We should've closed the curtains last night." The older woman laughs, and Amanda notes how it's complete daylight, inside and out.

"Want me to go shut them so you can sleep a little bit longer?" She asks, not making an effort to move just yet.

"I should probably be getting up.." The brunette murmurs, pulling away from her friend and sitting up. She stretches her tired limbs, and Amanda chances a glance towards the other woman's breasts, which are noticeably bare under the thin cotton of the t-shirt.

"You don't have to, Liv. You had a rough night, it's okay if you want to stay in bed for a little while longer." She hums, resting her elbow against the bed and propping her head up with her hand. "I'll even make breakfast and come get you when it's ready.." She offers, her tone sing-songy, hoping Olivia will take the deal.

"Fine," She agrees, adjusting her body so her feet are no longer handing off the bed. "We somehow find the most uncomfortable ways to sleep." She chuckles, tucking her cold feet under the thick duvet.

Amanda shrugs, getting out of the bed and pulling her hair up into a loose ponytail. "I don't know.. I was pretty comfortable."

"Oh, right," Olivia scoffs, eyes grazing over the younger woman's body briefly before snapping up to blue eyes. "Was it the nightmare or me pinning you to the bed?"

Amanda knows Olivia is being sarcastic but the comment hits her a little harder than expected. Does she really not know?

"It was the being so close to you." She retorts softly, arms crossing over her chest. "Having you right there took away any discomfort and worry I've had for months. Even with the waking up at 3 AM two nights in a row, this is the best sleep I've had in so long." She doesn't mean to get so deep but it's the truth. The hard truth that she needs to start facing herself.

"When did you become so bold with your words, Amanda Rollins?" Olivia pulls her blanket up to her chin and smiles softly, a hint of wariness in her eyes.

"For so many reasons that would scare us both." She says honestly, stepping forward to tuck the older woman a little more and boldly placed a soft kiss on the top of tangled brown locks. "Get some more rest. Breakfast will be ready when you get up."

….

Her intentions for coming out here were not to bed Olivia. They weren't to kindle an unrequited romance, but instead, they were to prove her devotion to the woman. Whatever capacity that requires, she's up for it.

So when they almost kissed last night, when that lip brush that toed the line of a smooch happened, she nearly lost her bearings. _Yes,_ she wants that with Olivia. To fall asleep in each other's arms and kiss until they're too tired to continue, and then wake up and do it all over. She wants that _more than anything._

But the most unhealthy thing to do is enter a relationship while one person is vulnerable and recovering from trauma. The _last_ thing Amanda wants to do is cause Olivia more stress and put her under pressure and hell… cause _more_ trauma.

She's quiet as she makes breakfast, taking her time in preparing the food and setting the table, just so Olivia can have those extra moments of rest she needs. She's seen the older woman do it enough times to know how she likes her herbal tea, how she likes her eggs and toast and bacon. Those little things were easy to remember.

Most everything is easy to remember when it comes to Olivia though, and she thinks it's due to the fact that the woman, although more unlike herself than usual, is no less enchanting than the first day they met. It's easy for Amanda to see why she'll never forget a single detail about the older woman. Not ever.

She's nearly done setting the table and putting the food out when she sees her friend, looking well rested and relaxed, standing in the doorway.

And she thinks there's something different about the brunette. The most faintest, subtle, of changes in her attitude and demeanor and physical appearance. It's as if there's a rosier tint in her cheeks, a softer glow on her dark skin, a more- dare she say it- _seductive_ tangle in her silky hair.

And then it dawns on Amanda. What this new relaxation insinuates.

 _No._

 _Maybe..?_

She clears her throat and returns to her task, unable to really think- or see- clearly. Everything is cloudy. Her eyes and head and throat and lungs. All of it.

Man, this woman is throwing Amanda for a loop.

"What'd you make?" The brunette asks, voice hoarse with 'sleep'.

"Nothing special. But I tried to make everything to your liking.. so come on and sit down." She smiles pulling the older woman's chair out and patting the backrest. She clears her throat when Olivia sits down, "How'd you sleep?" She asks lightly, poking at her eggs while Olivia replies.

"Fine for about forty-five minutes.. then I woke up and just laid there for the rest of the time. It felt nice to just.. _be_ there." She answers honestly, taking her bottle of honey and spooning some into her tea. She closes the bear-shaped bottle and lick the sweet residue off her fingertips.

And just like that, Amanda feels that unfamiliar heat coil low in her belly. That need and desire rise up in her chest. She scolds herself for letting something so little turn her on so much, but in the end, she knows it's not something she can exactly control. The only thing she can do is ignore it.

Ignore the constant shift between them, the way can't help her eyes from lingering, the need to kiss those sweet lips. She'll ignore it until Olivia is ready.

"'Manda?"

She averts her gaze back up to curious brown eyes. "You seem to get distracted during breakfast a lot," She implores dryly, a small smile on her lips.

Amanda laughs, shaking her thoughts off. She's just going to enjoy what she has with Olivia _now._ It's good and they're close and she should feel grateful that the other woman trusts her this much. "Just thinkin' about what I need to buy when I go into town." The lie comes effortlessly.

"You're going into town today?" Olivia asks, worry evident in her tone.

"No, no.. I mean I need to at some point, but not today." She assures, taking a bite of her toast. "And when I do go, it'll be up to you whether you stay here or come with me, okay? I won't make you do anything you don't wanna do."

"Okay. If we go in the next few days I'll be okay to come with you. I need to grab a few things too, anyway."

"Then it's settled." Amanda smiles, taking a long sip from her coffee. She lets a few moments pass before she asks cautiously. "What um.. What was your nightmare about?" She notices Olivia tense up, and she looks directly at the older woman.

Olivia sets her fork down and sighs. "It wasn't anything in particular. He was weak and I had broken free." Amanda can tell that that's all her friend is willing to give, at least at the moment. "I'm sorry." She says quietly, eyes never leaving Amanda's blue ones. She doesn't have to say what she's sorry for; they both know.

"It's not your fault." The blonde states firmly. "None of it. And I don't blame you, I'm not mad. And I'm especially not going anywhere.."

"I know. I appreciate it."

"If it's any consolation, I didn't mind you on top of me.." She jokes, a wide grin breaking out onto her face.

"Of course you didn't." Olivia smirks, rolling her eyes and returning to her food.

"If I'm not mistaken, Benson, I _do_ recall you telling me you wouldn't mind _kissing_ me." She teases, hoping it's not taking anything too far. But the pink blush and smile on the older woman's lips tells her that she's still in safe territory.

"Maybe so. But that attitude won't get you anywhere." She says back sassily, sipping her now-lukewarm tea.

And even if she doesn't get to kiss Olivia ever, she's okay with what they have now, in this moment.


	6. Chapter 6

Nearly three days later, Amanda is finally unpacking. She's folding her clothes and putting them in drawers when she hears a loud crash, the sound of glass breaking. She jumps up immediately and runs in the direction of the noise, "Liv?" She calls, seeing the back door open wide.

She quickly makes her way to where Olivia is standing, and in seconds, her heart stops.

She looks at her friend, who is standing completely still, save for her shaking hands. "Oh God.." She whispers, eyes moving to a large section of the garden, which is now mostly destroyed. The flowers look like they've been trampled and stepped on, there's potted succulents tipped over, broken in places, and the soil is scattered over the stepping stones.

Olivia had dropped an empty flower pot, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

"We'll fix it, it's okay." Amanda states, stepping past her to take a closer look at the damage, and sees various sized paw prints scattered around the dirt. It must have been dogs or coyotes. She immediately feels sorry for the other woman, and turns to comfort her, but when she looks around, she sees that Olivia is gone. She lets out a sigh and turns back to the garden.

She doesn't know what makes her start, but instead of going back inside, she grabs Olivia's gardening tools and starts on the farthest part from the house. She finds a mini broom and sweeps the dirt off of the stone, and gets as much out of the grass as she can. When that's done, she begins picking up all the dead and withered flowers, cuts the broken stems, and reburies the roots that aren't completely destroyed.

It takes nearly two hours, but when she's done, she throws all the bad plants away. For right now, there's nothing she can do about the cracked pots and chunks missing from the succulents, but she tries her best to make it look as nice as it did before the damage.

She's covered in dirt. Head to toe, and she wonders how Olivia finds pleasure in this. Her back hurts and her thighs burn from bending over and crawling on her knees. But seeing the broken look on her friend's face nearly broke _her._ It's the least she can do. Seeing Olivia happy and smiling is her main priority.

She looks around, making sure everything is in place, then puts the tools back and makes her way back to the house.

Inside, she kicks off her shoes and shucks off her flannel, leaving her in stained jeans and a dark blue tank top. Her hands and arms are dark from the soil, her forehead and cheeks too, from wiping sweat and loose wisps hair away.

"Liv," She calls out, making her way down the hallway to the older woman's bedroom. She knocks lightly on the door but there's no answer. "Olivia, can you open the door?" She asks, and after a few moments, she hears the unlocking and turning of the doorknob.

The sight before her breaks her heart. Watery brown eyes accompanied by red, puffy cheeks and an equally red nose looks back at her. She smiles softly and pushes the door the rest of the way open. "You okay?" She asks, taking the older woman's hand in hers, entwining their fingers together.

If Olivia notices the dirt covering her body she doesn't acknowledge it. Not until brown eyes finally look at the woman in front of her. "Why are you dirty?" She asks, sounding almost childlike.

"C'mere." Amanda nods in the direction of the back door and tugs the older woman.

Olivia shakes her head and tears escape, "I don't wanna see it." She whispers, pulling back and away from Amanda. "I can't look at all my hard work ruined."

"Just come with me.. Please?" The blonde smiles, moving behind the brunette and nudging her foreword. Olivia reluctantly moved, tucking her hair behind her ears with shaky fingers.

When they reach the back door, Amanda pushes it open, then waits there while Olivia steps forward. She smiles when she hears the older woman gasp. "I couldn't fix everything _completely_ , but I did what I could." She mutters, stepping toward the other woman. When she doesn't get a response, she bites her lip nervously and continues. "We can maybe build a picket fence around the garden, so if any animals come back, they won't be able to get in."

Olivia finally turns around, eyes watery with unshed tears. She bites her lip and steps forward. "You really did all this?" She whispers, eyes darting back and forth between shining blue ones.

"Of course." She smiles, "I told you we'll fix it."

" _You_ fixed it."

Before she can respond, Olivia pulls her into her body, arms wrapped around shoulders tightly, chest to knee pressed closely together. "You fixed it." She whispers, pulling back slightly to look at the younger woman.

Amanda doesn't know why she doesn't stop it, but it only takes a few moments before their lips are pressed softly together. It's a shy kiss, like most first ones are, but it's perfect. She can't believe how soft Olivia's lips are, how silky they feel against her own.

Olivia pulls away and breathes out. Tears are no longer falling and gone is any trace of sadness save for the redness under brown eyes. "Thank you." She smiles, eyes dipping back to the blonde's lips. "For everything."

"You're welcome, Liv." Is all she can say before Olivia is taking another kiss. They both know that this is the older woman's first kiss since Lewis, and that makes Amanda that much more cautious. She keeps her hands at the dip of Olivia's waist, keeps her tongue in her mouth, and just lets the brunette take what she needs. Take what's _hers._

Warm hands cup her cheeks, and she breathes out, a sigh of happiness, causing them to pull away. And then she remembers she's dirty.

She laughs and pulls back, "I need to shower. I'm covered in your garden."

"Welcome to my world." The older woman laughs back, cheeks pink from a faint blush.

They make their way back inside, Olivia stopping to look at the garden once more, before stepping into the house and closing the backdoor.

"Are you hungry?" She asks the younger woman, and Amanda nods.

"Yeah, but wait to make the food. I want to help." She says, making her way down the hall. "Make yourself some tea, I'll be done in a few!" She calls, then shuts the bedroom door behind her.

She leans back against the wood and takes a few deep breaths.

They kissed. Twice.

Their mouths touched and bodies too and it felt amazing and unreal. She's on the fence about everything though, unsure if Olivia is ready for this. But then she thinks about how it may be _helping_ her. This kind of contact and intimacy may be what's letting her heal finally.

Amanda won't know either way. Not until they sit and have a real discussion about what's going to happen between them now that the boundaries have shifted.

As she sheds her dirty clothes and tosses them in the basket, she wonders if she can convince the brunette to start going to therapy again. If they're going to do this thing together, _be_ together, Olivia needs to have a steady, unbiased support system outside of their little world.

It's the only way Amanda will be comfortable with continuing this.

…

She walks out of the bedroom, towel drying her shoulder length blonde hair, and smiles as she watches Olivia sip her tea and watch whatever it is that's on television.

If she's never been sure about anything, then this is the first. She's _sure_ that they're supposed to be here. Waking up together and eating meals together and sharing a home together. No matter what, they were always supposed to end up here. Even if it took ten more years to happen.

"What're you watching?" She asks lightly, sitting down next to the older woman.

"I don't know." She shrugs, setting her mug on the small side table by the armrest. "Some cop show." She smirks, "If only it were all that easy." Her voice has a nostalgic, almost melancholy, tone to it, and the blonde nearly asks the older woman if she misses being a detective.

But she refrains. "I'd have had a life." The blonde jokes, twisting her wet hair up into a bun on top of her head. She kicks the damp towel to the floor, deciding she'll throw it in the wash later with her dirty clothes.

"A sex life too apparently.." Olivia says in astonishment, brows arched and eyes dancing with amusement. Both women watch as the two main characters kiss over-exaggeratedly in a seemingly heated situation. "Now we _know_ this is definitely a stretch."

They laugh and Olivia looks over at Amanda, the blonde pretending not to notice the eyes on her. After a few moments, the older woman scoots closer until they're leaning on each other. "We don't need to eat yet." She hums, wrapping an arm around the younger woman's waist. "We'll just have a late dinner. I want to sit here for a while with you."

"We can do that." Amanda smiles, leaning against Olivia hesitantly before finally settling in comfortably. She runs her fingers through Olivia's hair and leans her head against the back of the couch. This is okay. It's perfect, actually.

Neither women pay much attention to the program, but they don't talk either. They just need this right now, quiet time in one another's arms.

As the cop show ends and another episode starts, Amanda thinks about she's going to broach the subject of therapy. She knows she's not bringing it up tonight, and even tomorrow, but she also knows that it _needs_ to happen soon. With how close they've been getting over the past few days, she can tell Olivia will need to be able to talk about things to, once again, an unbiased person.

And she knows that she'll need to have a talk about what they're starting, if anything really _is_ starting. This is completely new, uncharted territory for both women and it needs to be carefully explored.

She looks at Olivia, whose eyes are glued to the screen, and smiles. And in the end, it'll all be worth it. Worth the worrying, the good days and bad ones, everything.

"How about dessert for dinner?" She blurts, and Olivia looks up, an eyebrow arched. There's a difference in her features now, completely separate from earlier that day, and the younger woman can't help but feel relieved that their day had gone relatively successful.

"Dessert?"

"Yeah. I'm not really hungry for a full meal. Let's just eat some dessert instead." She shrugs, trailing her fingers lightly over the older woman's jaw.

"Okay... And we can eat it in here and watch a movie." She smiles, a bright genuine one. Amanda smiles back, but it's only for a moment, because Olivia cups the blonde's cheek and brings their lips together. Another kiss.

She wonders how Olivia, even having gone through so much, can be more bold than she is.

Amanda relaxes into it though, figuring that one more kiss won't hurt. Her hand cups the back of Olivia's head gently, not applying pressure or tugging at her hair, but instead, just resting there comfortably.

This is a little overwhelming, she thinks. More specifically, _Olivia's_ lips are overwhelming. Especially when they part _just_ enough to take her bottom lip in between them. She thinks she should pull away, it's probably best if she does, but when Olivia's warm tongue brushes her bottom lip, she's lost again.

She treads lightly as their tongues touch, keeps her hands where she placed them only seconds before. And when Olivia leans in more, she has to suppress a moan. Only when the brunette pulls away does she finally allow herself to breathe.

"We need to go slow, Liv," She husks, licking her bottom lip, thumb stroking the older woman's cheek. "You know that right? I don't want to trigger you."

"I know."

"I want you.. I have for a long time. But things are different now and we need to make sure we do everything right." Amanda smiles, leaning in to place a soft kiss on the corner of her friends mouth. It's everything she can do to make sure she doesn't upset the older woman.

"I never thought about what it would be like to be intimate with someone again.." Olivia says honestly, moving to rest her head on Amanda's shoulder. "I didn't think I could. I still don't know. I just know that kissing you is nothing like what he.. how he did it. And that gives me hope." She sighs. "I'm going to have to talk to my therapist again, aren't I?"

The question shocks Amanda but she laughs lightly at the exasperation in the brunette's tone.

"Probably…" Amanda murmurs. "One step at a time."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

She's only slept alone one night since she's been here, which was the first night, and now over three weeks ago. Olivia had gone to four therapy session since their brief conversation, and Amanda was glad that it seemed to be helping.

She tries to keep the kissing and touching to a minimum, unsure of how far they'll go if she just lets it happen. She knows that Olivia isn't ready yet; she can tell by the way she covers her body always, doesn't show her legs or chest, and shuts down completely if Amanda _does_ get a glimpse of what's under her clothes. The blonde knows exactly why Olivia is so hesitant on showing her body.

As much as she hates to admit, she's seen the older woman's casefile. Knows what _he_ did to the woman she cares so much about.

And as much as she wants to tell Olivia that it's okay, that she doesn't care about the scars, she can't. Olivia has to cover that with her therapist, she has to work through the self image portion of her healing- _mostly-_ alone. The parts that Amanda _can_ help, she will.

She'll tell Olivia how beautiful she is every morning. She'll kiss her and tell her it's just for the fact that she couldn't resist. She'll show how much she wants Olivia, despite her past. She'll stay up all night and hold her friend slash new lover (?) until she feels loved and safe.

Mid-afternoon has Olivia napping and Amanda straightening up the kitchen and living room. She told the older woman that she'd join her after she was done.

She sighs and makes her way down the hallway, surprisingly ready for a nap. She opens the door softly and smiles when she sees the sleeping form of her friend. They've gotten so used to sleeping next to each other, it would seem foreign to sleep apart.

She slips into a pair of yoga pants quickly, then climbs into the bed. She settles on only sleeping for an hour, knowing her internal clock will wake her. She snuggles in close to the older woman, and lets out a content breath. Olivia automatically wraps her arm around the younger woman's waist and buries her face in Amanda's neck. This is their usual sleeping position.

"Took you long enough," Olivia murmurs, lips brushing over the blonde's skin. It sends a shiver down her spine.

"There were a lot of dishes from breakfast." She laughs softly, combing her fingers through silky brunette hair. "Go back to sleep for a while longer."

She hears the brunette mumble a tired "Mm mm." And she chuckles. Her laughter quickly fades when she feels soft lips kiss, and then teeth nip, and then tongue _licks_ , at the warm skin of her neck.

This is new.

She wait a moment, wondering if the older woman will continue or stop and fall back asleep.

The and creeping up her abdomen towards her chest tells her all she needs to know.

She breathes out as Olivia continues to work at her neck, hand stopped just underneath a pert breast. God, this feels too good to stop. When a moan escapes her lips a few moments later she opens her eyes wide. "Liv, you don't have to do this…" She mutters, caressing the older woman's back.

"Your body is so much different than his.." She mutters, and Amanda stops breathing for a second. "That's why I feel so safe with you." She finally lifts her head and looks down into blue eyes. "I _know_ it's you. I don't think of him." Brown orbs dip to the younger woman's pink lips then back up. "I trust you."

Amanda nods, pulling Olivia down for a soft kiss. Heated, plump flesh press passionately together as they breath each other in. They won't go there tonight. Even though there's plenty of trust between them, they know that Olivia isn't mentally ready for sex. And they're okay with that.

Their tongues touch as Olivia lean further over Amanda, a leg slipping over the blonde's waist, and then she's straddling the younger woman.

As the kiss deepens, Amanda can't help but wonder how she went so long without doing this _before._ Tongues twist together, the younger woman's hands go to Olivia's hips, then slide up her back and into soft hair.

"Soon.." Olivia pants, pulling away slightly, "Soon I'll show you."

"Show me what?" Amanda breathes, mind cloudy.

"The scars."

Oh. Her eyes stare sharply into Olivia's, trying to figure out if she's serious. She is. Brown eyes stare back unwaveringly, and she knows that Olivia is sure. "Whenever you're ready, Liv."

….

When they wake up from their much-needed nap, there's a new light to both of them. There's a deeper sense of trust that's formed between them, a bond that seems _just that much_ stronger. Amanda stays curled up in the bed as Olivia grabs some jeans to change into and heads into the adjoining bathroom, and that familiar sense of domesticity is back. She thinks that she won't ever need to be back in New York, she doesn't need the bustle of the city anymore. There's a lot of things she left behind that she won't need out here. Because no matter what she thinks about and how she sees her future, Olivia is always there. Her first priority, her future, her main thought.

And somehow, she doesn't mind that. Being all-consumed by the enchanting brunette is a good way of spending her days out here.

"You wanna go for a walk before it gets dark?" She hears, and she turns her head to see Olivia standing at the foot of the bed in a hoodie, jeans and a pair of worn brown saddle boots. A clear indication of how the weather is today.

"Yeah, sure." She slips out of bed and stretches her tired limbs, a groan slipping from her lips. "I'm not used to this much relaxation." She chuckles, stepping in front of the older woman with a sleepy smile.

"I wasn't either. It'll grow on you though," The brunette smiles back, bringing her warm fingers up to brush tousled blonde hair away from clear blue eyes.

Even the most innocent of touches sends a nearly-crippling weakness into her knees, and she has to use every bit of strength she has just to stay upright. They _don't_ need to kiss right now. Just get dressed and go for a walk with her.

 _Be an adult for christ's sake. Control yourself._

"I'm gonna get some jeans and shoes on and I'll be right out, okay?" She murmurs, brushing her fingers against the other woman's lightly. When Olivia nods, she moves past her and out of the room, controlling her pace so that she doesn't seem to eager to go. The last thing she wants is for Olivia to feel like she's making the blonde uncomfortable. Which is far from what is happening.

She changes quickly, just throwing on a hoodie and some jeans like Olivia, then slipping on her sneakers. She doesn't exactly know where they're walking _to,_ but from what she's seen outside Olivia's property, it's not an easy trek.

"There's a stream just past the trees," Olivia tells her as they make their way out the back door. "It's beautiful. I go there sometimes, well, not _recently_ , but I would go there when I need to think."

They interlock fingers and walk through the garden, the grass, and past the line of her property until they're walking on a mixture of dirt and dry grass. "I've never seen so many different.. _Terrains…_ in such a small amount of space." Amanda breathes, eyes roaming. "In one direction it's desert, in another, it's trees and mountains.."

Olivia nods, squeezing the younger woman's fingers absentmindedly. "I picked this state for a few reasons. This-" She motions around her, "Being a main one… Not many people around, beautiful scenery, and.. And that was what I needed."

"And now?"

Olivia arches a brow, looking at the blonde as they walk leisurely towards the wide stream of water. "Now?"

"Do you still need _not many people_ around?" She smiles jokingly, hoping to get the answer she's thinking. As selfish as it is.

"Maybe one person can stick around." Olivia jokes back, pink lips parting in a wan smile.

"Lucky them."

They come to a stop in front of the stream, and they're quiet for a long moment. The running water is crisp and clear, showing exactly what lies beneath the surface. Rocks and minerals that make the stream do its job, to keep the water running for the animals who need it.

She almost misses the soft words her friend utters, but she catches them.

"Lucky me."

Her heart warms. Their hands tighten around each other and they lean into one another. Heads resting together. The sun is setting behind the mountains- they know they should head in soon, but they're stuck in place right now, unable to detach from this moment. It's chilly, the evening breeze picking up speed a little and Olivia leans further into the blonde.

"I really want to kiss you right now." Amanda hears, and she holds back a laugh.

She turns her head and looks into dancing brown eyes and smiles. "Why don't you?"

"I can tell you pull away when we do.. Things like that." So she _has_ noticed.. Damn. Amanda shakes her head softly, turning to wrap an arm around the taller woman's waist.

"It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to rush into things.. Rush _you_ into things. We're making great progress and I don't want to speed it up and risk ruining what we're building together." She explains, tilting her head slightly. She takes note of the small hint of dejection in the other woman's eyes, but she knows, they both do, that it's best that things are done _this_ way.

"But I won't oppose to a kiss. I mean look at you.." She teases, bringing their bodies closer.

Olivia lets out a huff and rolls her eyes, but leans in and attaches her lips to the blondes. "You're impossible." She mutters against soft lips, ignoring the laugh it garners and instead deepens the liplock.

They pull apart, only by millimeters, and breathe each other's air. The only thing Amanda is feeling right now is an overwhelming sense of home. And _love._ And she's an idiot for letting it take this long to realize that Olivia is the only one for her. For choosing the job and addiction and a life that was complete shit over this woman. She'll spend her life making up for her mistakes.

Because, damn it, she's in love.


	8. Chapter 8

**Let me know if this is still interesting to you all. :)**

 **Chapter 8**

She sits in the waiting room of Olivia's therapist's office. One thing they agreed on is that she would come with the older woman and then after, they would grab either a late lunch or an early dinner. Even if Olivia wasn't feeling up to it, she still pushed through. It's part of the healing. She doesn't need to talk about the session and what goes on during it, as long as she enjoys a meal afterwards.

She flips through the same magazine as every time before; some diy home and food one. It was either that, a teen gossip one or a sports magazine. She doesn't pay attention to the words, or even the pictures, but instead finds her thoughts drifting to the woman she's been living with. And the reality hits her, not with force, but with recognition.

 _She's living with Olivia Benson._

They're starting a relationship from an odd angle, not what normal people do. She knows that what they have is anything _but_ normal, but the thought is still a little shocking.

She wonders what Olivia's talking about this session. She won't ask, she knows not to; especially right after a session. The brunette usually opens up later when they're getting ready for bed or just curled up on the couch. And if she doesn't end up talking about her session, Amanda doesn't pry. She's learned in the recent weeks of being with Olivia that she'll talk when she's ready, and she always ends up talking.

Which is another drastic change from when they lived in New York. Because back then, Olivia Benson was a steel vault when it came to opening up about her feelings and emotions.

She slaps the magazine in her lap closed and tosses it back on the side table, letting out a sigh as she sinks back into her chair. These things usually only last an hour to an hour and a half, so she doesn't mind waiting up for the older woman.

She's startled when the door opens, and a look of concern washes over her face when she sees Olivia, bloodshot eyes cast down.

Dr. Sylvia Rivera steps out behind her, a short hispanic woman with kind features, a soft smile on her lips. "You must be Amanda." She says warmly, holding a petit hand out. Amanda nods and shakes the older woman's hand.

"Is everything okay?" The blonde asks curiously, eyes darting back to the brunette, whose managed to compose herself.

"Yeah.." She says softly, her warm hand slipping into the younger woman's. "We can talk later."

Amanda nods hesitantly but smiles softly at the other woman. She turns to Dr. Rivera and nods, "It was nice to meet you, Doctor."

"Likewise. Take care, Olivia." She replies with another warm smile and makes her way back into her office, closing the door behind her. She feels her hand being tugged, so she follows, unsure of what exactly is going on.

All she knows is that Olivia seems more bothered than usual.

When they're outside, they finally come to a halt. It's cloudy, the air smells and rain, and along with the sky, Olivia's eyes look like they're about to shed tears as well.

"Liv, what's wrong?"

"Can we skip dinner and just go home? I just want to curl up in bed with you."

And usually Amanda urges the older woman to join her for a nice meal out, but this time she caves, doesn't argue, only asks to drive so the older woman can relax on the way home.

As she drives, Amanda can't help but worry; wonder what happened during that session to upset Olivia so much, if Dr. Rivera had said something that was the cause of Olivia's shift in attitude or if it was solely the topic of their conversation tonight. She knows not to pry the brunette, knows that she'll talk on her own time, but tonight seems different.

She reaches over from the wheel and places her hand on top of Olivia's which is resting on her thigh, and it makes the other woman jump at the unexpected contact. Brown eyes move away from the window dotted with raindrops and connect with blue.

They sit like that for the rest of the drive, Amanda with one hand on the wheel and eyes occasionally darting from the road to Olivia, and Olivia whose hands are holding Amanda's tightly within them on her lap, caressing soft skin gently with her fingertips.

Amanda parks the car in the driveway and they get out silently and make their way into the house. No lights are turned on as the blonde leads Olivia through the now familiar house and into the older woman's bedroom.

It's only 6 PM and there's no need to change into PJ's yet, so they both remove their shoes and jackets and climb into the brunette's soft bed. Amanda turns the lamp on her side of the bed before settling in, knowing she'll want to see the older woman through this.

"You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Amanda finally asks, body turned to face Olivia, who is laying on her back and staring at the ceiling.

"It's not one particular thing." She murmurs, fingers crossed and resting on her stomach.

"So tell me everything." Amanda replies simply.

"We talked about you living here with me. How it's affecting me."

"You kickin' me out?" The blonde jokes, hoping to create a sense of comfort and lightness to their quickly deepening conversation.

Olivia lets out a breathy laugh, so soft the other woman almost didn't hear it. "I think you leaving would be detrimental to my healing process by now, Rollins."

"Okay good. Keep going."

Another laugh, then a sigh. "She asked me what you were.. _are_ to me." As she speaks, Amanda scoots closer and lays her hand on top of Olivia's, which are still resting on her stomach. "And I told her that I don't know. Sometimes.. Sometimes I think we're friends, and then sometimes.. you kiss me or I kiss you, and it feels so _right_ and then I'm not sure anymore."

"Well, what do you want us to be, Liv? Remember, this is your pace-"

"But what if I don't _want_ it to be my pace? What if I don't want to be the one to make _all_ of the decisions in what's going on with us?" Her tone is bordering irritated, and Amanda smiles slightly.

"What're you sayin', huh?" She hums, scooting closer once more and burying her face in the older woman's neck. Her hand moves from on top of Olivia's to underneath them, palm flat against a toned belly. "You sayin' that you want _me_ to call the shots?" She whispers as she lays soft kisses on a heated neck.

"Well not.." She breathes out slowly, turning her face to the side to give the blonde more room to work. "Not _all of the shots.."_ She moves her hands away, one delving into blonde strands and the other bending at the elbow and resting softly against the bed, hand next to her head.

"You mean you want this to be an equal _relationship?_ " Another soft kiss, and this time a brief flick of the tongue, and her only reply is a soft _mmmhhhhmm._

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean?"

"That part can easily be done. But I highly doubt that that's what had you so upset that we couldn't even go get some of those sopapillas you got me hooked on." She smiles, leaning back to look down into chocolaty orbs.

"It was just me overthinking. Letting Lewis get into my head. That's all." She shrugs, eyes slipping closed in effort to mask any emotion.

"Liv, look at me."

When she does, Amanda places a soft, quick kiss on pursed lips. "What was that pretty head of yours overthinking about?"

Olivia bites her lips and wraps an arm around Amanda's waist, settling in knowingly for a heavy conversation. "When he had me.. he uh.. he used words.. to hurt me." She breathes, shaking her head. "And sometimes I can't decide if the physical torture or the mental torture was worse. He would do things to my body that we both knew would leave permanent scars.. All over me. And then he would say how.. _damaged_ I was. How undesirable and unwanted I became because of those marks."

Anger bubbled inside of Amanda, deep and pure, unfiltered anger. Because from the first time she met Olivia Benson until this very moment, the only thing she was sure of, no matter what, was how badly she wanted the woman. And for William Lewis to tell her any different made her blood boil.

"And sometimes I think he's right.. How can anyone want to be with me when _I_ can't even _look_ at myself in the mirror?"

The blonde is quiet for a moment, her hand resting on Olivia's stomach shifts upward a little and she sits up on her other elbow, the brunette's hand still resting softly in her hair. "Do you want to know what I think?"

Brown eyes drift shut for a second before slipping back open and she settles on the younger woman. "What do you think?" She asks quietly.

"I think that what _he_ says to you doesn't matter. I think that he has no control of how any person but himself thinks." She tells Olivia strongly, fingertips pressing lightly into the older woman's rib cage. "Because from the moment I saw you in th precinct for the first time to this _very second,_ I've wanted nothing more than to be with you. And nobody can say otherwise."

She says it with so much conviction, Olivia has no choice but to let a few tears slip. And the blonde knows exactly what she's thinking.

"You deserve so much, Olivia.. A relationship with someone who _wants_ and _cares_ about you should be effortless." She leans down and brushes her lips against parted pink ones, breathing reassurance and life back into a body that's been stolen of those things so many times.

Not again.

Olivia's free hand cups Amanda's cheek and she tilts her head, immediately letting the kiss deepen.

And somehow this one is deeper than any other one. By degrees. Not because of tongue and teeth, but because this is their first kiss where Olivia's bad thoughts have been diminished beforehand.

Amanda's heart skips a beat at this change. Because now, what's lacking in unsureness and caution, makes up for it with need and desire.

She feels herself being pulled, and she realizes that it's Olivia, pulling her on top of her body.

 _Don't let it go too far._ It's a warning to herself.

She settles between the older woman's parted legs, her body resting softly on top of Olivia's, their lips never parting from their lock.

 _Go slow._

Her hand is being moved up slowly, over ribs, until she feels the underside of Olivia's bra brush her fingertips underneath the soft shirt. And then her hand is moved again, until she's cupping a full breast in the palm of her hand.

Her body is sent into overdrive, and her hips lurch, grinding softly into Olivia's.

 _Go slower._

She pulls away, lips parting with a soft smack and she looks down at the older woman. Lips swollen and wet, eyes dark and swirling with emotion, cheeks and neck painted a soft hue of blush, and one breast is pushed up, the soft curve now more prominent. Because of her hand.

And she sees a hint of a scar peeking out from under the edge of the shirt, and she breathes out shakily.

"Do you know what a phoenix is?" She asks, eyes never leaving that one spot.

"What?" Olivia breathes, confused.

"A phoenix. It's a bird that dies in it's own flames, then rises from the ashes brand new. With an eternal flame." She whispers, leaning down to kiss the burn mark on the swell of Olivia's breast. She ignores the hitch in the older woman's breath and keeps her lips planted there, as if she's willing the mark to vanish.

"You're a phoenix, Liv."

A bubble of laughter causes Amanda's lips to disconnect from the scar and she looks up, blue eyes amused.

"I'm a bird?" The older woman asks, eyebrow arched.

She shakes her head and smirks, removing her hand from Olivia's breast to come up and thread through brown hair. "You're a _phoenix._ You rose from the damage of what happened to you and I can see it. That flame inside you is growing."

"Because of you." Olivia tells her, thumb tracing Amanda's bottom lip.

The younger woman shakes her head softly, a smile on her lips. "No.. because _you're_ letting it."


	9. Chapter 9

**We've got about five more chapters to go! I know it's on the shorter side, but I think some things are best left short and sweet. Here's the next installment, I hope you like it! (PS, I'm sorry this one is so short!)**

 **Chapter 9**

"Liv, how the hell do you do this so often?" Amanda whines, swiping her bangs out of her eyes.

They've been outside for the most part of the day, per Olivia's request, working on repairing what still needed to be fixed. She watches as Olivia chuckles and she huffs.

"I never knew you hated yard work so much. Didn't you live on a farm or something?" She asks lightly, a smirk on her plump lips.

"Cute." Amanda rolls her eyes, moving to sit criss cross next to Olivia, who is gluing a succulent pot back together. "Suburbs of Atlanta actually, and if you count sweepin' the dirt and tree leaves off the driveway once a week as yard work than yeah."

Olivia laughs again and shakes her head, hair swaying softly. It's parted in a half up/half down style, mostly because it's not all long enough to fit in a ponytail, but it's Amanda's favorite.

"How did you manage to get _this_ dirty?" The older woman asks, swiping some dirt off of the blonde's cheeks.

Amanda shrugs and pulls off her gardening gloves, tossing them on top of a nearby stepping stone. "I think I'm going to go inside and take a shower. Is that okay, or do you need me to do anything else?" She asks, looking around the garden.

"As soon as I finish fixing this pot I'm coming inside, so you can go ahead. Leave hot water for me." She smiles, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips. "Mmmm. Dirt." She jokes, and Amanda rolls her eyes and shoves the older woman lightly.

In the shower, Amanda smiles as she washes her hair. She doesn't know exactly when it happened but there was a change in Olivia. She suspects that it was their intimate moment only a few nights before, when she had touched her softly and kissed her until she couldn't breathe, and spoke words until the brunette understood how deep her feelings went.

They've had a good few days- _amazing_ few days. From the deep kisses to the cuddling, to the failed attempt at making sopapillas, it's all been fantastic.

And deep down she hopes that whatever shoe may drop in the future, will drop lightly and without irrevocable damage. But even if that does happen, she's sure that she and Olivia will figure it out together.

When she finishes washing her body, she turns the shower off and steps out, wrapping a towel around her body. Goosebumps prickle her damp flesh as cool air cascades around her.

She pads into the room her clothes occupy, and quickly slips into a pair of leggings and an oversized t shirt. Her hair lays flat and wet against her shoulders and upper chest, soaking through the material. She'd heard Olivia come inside a few moments before, so she makes her way out of the bedroom and towards Olivia's room- what's quickly becoming _their_ room.

"Liv?" She calls out, lightly tapping on the closed door. When she gets no answer, she opens the door slowly. From the bathroom, she can hear splish-splashing and she assumes the older woman is taking a bath.

"Hey Liv?" She calls out again, standing outside the cracked bathroom door. She refuses to look inside. For Olivia's privacy and for _her own_ self control.

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna start dinner."

"Okay." There's a pause, the water shifts, "Actually. Would you mind keeping me company?"

Blue eyes widen… Her lips part and she lets out a soft breath. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

When she pokes her head in the door she smiles shyly, taking note that Olivia has covered her breasts with her arms. Aside from that, she looks completely relaxed; hair up in a messy bun (what little hair could fit) and a leg bent at the knee.

She looks absolutely gorgeous.

"You okay?" Amanda asks, taking a seat on a stepping stool next to the claw foot tub.

"Yeah. Just a little sore. I haven't worked like that in a while so my muscles are just a little tight." She smiles, shaking her head.

Amanda's eyes dip to tanned cleavage, more exposed than ever before, and her mouth rubs dry. She notices small marks dotting otherwise flawless skin in a few places and she frowns.

"Cigarettes."

She looks back up, eyebrows raised. "Huh?"

"He put cigarettes out on my skin." She clarifies, shifting her arms to cover more of the scars. It clicks now, the small circular marks are the exact size of a cigarette butt.

That fucker.

She shakes her head and bites a lip. "You didn't deserve that, Olivia." She tells the brunette strongly. Her fingers reach out, lightly brushing the wet skin of Olivia's collarbone. "Not one bit."

"I know." The older woman nods, letting her arms drop an inch. Scars are revealed again, so is the soft skin between full breasts, and flesh that is a shade lighter than the rest of Olivia's body. "I know that _now."_

"What else?" Amanda prods gently, blue eyes never leaving brown.

"Keys. My house keys. And a wire hanger."

Amanda feels sick, unsure of exactly what to say to that. She knew that Lewis had burned Olivia in some form but wasn't aware of exactly _how_ he did it. She purses her lips and closes her eyes for a moment.

She listens to water shift and then feels a wet hand on her cheek. Her eyes pop open to see Olivia at the side of the tub, breasts pressed against the cool edge, barely covered. She lets her gaze roam down.

Through the water, she can see Olivia's side, part of her toned belly, and long, _long_ legs. And god help her, she sees the crease of her upper thigh and hip. As she thinks that she wants to put her mouth there.

She tears her gaze away from Olivia's body and a blush creeps on her face. Of course she's been caught. They're inches from each other and she wasn't exactly subtle. Olivia smiles shyly at the blonde's embarrassment and strokes her thumb across a milky cheek, stained with pink.

"I'm sorry." She mutters, turning her head to look away.

Olivia keeps her in place. "Don't apologize for making me feel wanted."

And if Amanda wasn't sure if Olivia knew just how much she wanted her, she sure as hell does now. "I just don't want to make you uncomfortable.." She clarifies, knowing that the lines and boundaries between them are so blurred they're almost non-existent, which makes it hard to know when it's time to call it quits, or in this situation, when it's time to not look.

"You say that a lot," Olivia smirks, pulling her hand way and leaning back into the tub, submerging as much of her body as she can into the water. She has an arm crossed over her chest for some modesty, but she continues to speak. "But I've yet to feel nothing _but_ comfortable with you."

When she puts it that way…

"Then why are you covering your chest?"

Olivia arches a brow, obvious surprise on her features. Neither women expected that reply. Amanda is about to apologize when the brunette removes her arm, letting it drop carelessly into the warm water.

And there she sits, covered in water, naked for only Amanda's eyes.

Olivia's dark nipples are hard, and aside from a few small scars here and there, her breasts are perfect. There's nothing Amanda wants more than to lay kisses all over Olivia's body. The woman deserves to be worshiped.

"You are so beautiful, Liv. No matter what anyone says or does." Her eyes drag from head to toe, skipping the dark patch between shapely legs for the time being. "So beautiful."

Th older woman leans forward to pull the plug on the drain, then stands up. Skin shining as water rushes down. "Could you hand me a towel?"

The blonde stands up on shaky legs and grabs a plush grey towel, and holds it open as Olivia steps out of the tub and into the younger woman's warm embrace. She gazes deeply into blue eyes before leaning in.

They kiss again, for maybe the tenth time today, and like usual, it sweeps Amanda off her feet. She holds the towel around Olivia's body as their tongues brush each other and bodies press together. When they pull apart, Olivia breathes, "There are more on my back. And some on my legs."

"No matter how many there are, I still see you as my beautiful, strong, pain in the ass Olivia Benson. And I'll tell you that every day if I have to."

The brunette chuckles, "That I'm a pain in the ass?"

"If I have to."

Genuine smiles cross both of their faces and they kiss again. Amanda feels the towel leave her hands and hit the floor, landing partially on her feet. She swallows thickly as Olivia turns around, tucking wet strands of hair that's left her bun (what's left of it), behind her ear.

Sure enough, there's a few key marks on her back, scattered, and one long, thin line down the middle of her back, lining her spine, from in between shoulders to the rise of her bottom.

Immediately, she presses her front to Olivia's back, wrapping a hand around the older woman's waist and laying a palm flat against her damp stomach. She kisses the top of Olivia's shoulder and breathes in the sweet scent of her skin.

The words are on the tip of her tongue.

 _I love you._

Saying them would be effortless. But she doesn't let them slip yet. So instead she continues to kiss heated flesh, shoulder to neck. She nuzzles her nose there.

Baby steps.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

In all the time they've spent together- all the time they spend kissing and cuddling and and just coexisting, they've never been on a date. Amanda thinks of back to the time when they finally decided to give a the thing growing between them a real shot, and that time was demolished by a storm by the name of William Lewis.

Now, they basically live together. Olivia deserves to date like a regular person just as much as Amanda deserves it.

So a few days after the afternoon in the bathroom, the blonde wakes up early (earlier than usual for them) and plans _just that._ The date Olivia deserves.

She'd left a note on Olivia's teapot, something she knew the brunette would make a beeline for minutes after waking up. The note had been vague, something she knew would drive the older woman crazy with curiosity and probably a little irritation.

But what she has in store will surely leave Olivia more than content. Happy even.

She wraps her sweater a little tighter around her body as a soft chill blows over her, and she looks out on the running water from her spot on the thick blanket lain on the ground. She pulls her phone out and types up a quick message, making sure to leave it just as vague as her note.

 _ **Put something warm on and come to the water.**_

It's enough.

She tosses her phone to the side and quickly takes care of a few last-minute touches, then sits back and waits patiently for the other woman to join her. It won't be long, it's barely a five minute walk, one they've made a handful of times since that first time. It's become _their_ favorite place. The tree that hangs over the creek, almost protectively, has become their sitting spot. The mountains that paint the background have become their view.

"So is _this_ why I woke up to an empty bed?"

She's torn from her thoughts by a sassy voice, and she tips her chin up, a relaxed smile on her lips as she gazes adoringly at her lover. "Surely I can make it up to you." She tempts, waving her hand over the blanket, covered with various breakfast foods and two thermoses. Most like coffee and tea.

"Amanda.. This is.."

"Our first date."

Olivia is silent, eyes scanning over the scene in front of her. She looks like she's on the verge of tears, but Amanda knows that it won't happen. "Do you like it?" She asks softly, biting a pink bottom lip.

"I love it."

"Well, sit down. I made your favorite tea, so let's get you warmed up." She pats the spot beside her. When Olivia sits, she takes an extra blanket and wraps it around both of their shoulders. They sit close, and before they even touch the food, the older woman turns Amanda's chin and brings her in for a deep kiss. The first of many on this day.

"I was going crazy.. Not knowing where you were." She murmured against the younger woman's lips before delving back in for a moment.

When they pull away, Amanda swipes at Olivia's bottom lip, the edges of her own curving up in a sly smile. "I left a note."

Olivia rolls her eyes and pulls the post-it note out of her back pocket, lime green paper wrinkled from being shoved in between the denim material.

 _Running errands. Don't eat yet._

"If this constitutes as a note…" The older woman grouses, tossing the small paper at her companion.

"I didn't wanna give anything away, Liv.." She shrugs defenselessly, blue eyes dancing with amusement. "C'mon, doesn't this," She waves her hands over the food again, "Make it worth it? And look at that view.. All ours."

"You're right."

"So let's eat." She hands the older woman a silver thermos, and she bites her lip at the sound of Olivia humming as she inhales the scent of the warm liquid. "I didn't want to make _too_ much hot foods, since it's not exactly warm out, and the cold air will just cool it all off. But I did manage to successfully make a few sopapillas.. And I brough fruit and honey and-"

Olivia cuts her off with another kiss, warm fingertips pressing into a cool, pink cheek. "It's perfect."

….

By the time most of the food is gone, they're both laying on the blanket, fingers entwined and gazing up at the clouds, which have taken the shapes of various things. At least in Olivia's opinion.

"I think you're seeing things. Was there something _sketchy_ in that tea of yours?" Amanda teases, turning her head to look at the brunette.

"You tell me, you made it, Rollins." The older woman huffs, eyes still cast up at the blue sky. Amanda is in awe of just how stunning Olivia is. She always has been. But now, in the natural lighting of mid-morning, hair windblown and face void of makeup, she's at her best. The most beautiful her. "I'm glad we did this." She murmurs, finally turning her head and bringing their conjoined hands up to kiss the blonde's knuckles. "We should do this more often."

"We can make it happen. Whenever you want."

Olivia looks at her intently for a moment, eyes darting from feature to feature. She nearly catches Amanda off guard when she turns her body until she's half on top of the blonde. Seconds separate that moment from the moment their lips meet.

The kiss starts out soft, slow, then gradually deepens, until they're exploring territory that's been trekked many times before. Warm breaths mingle in between, lips only parting to adjust their angles. Blue eyes widen as fingertips come into contact with her belly. They remain there for only a moment before trailing to the side, following the dip in her waist and upward, over every subtle divot of her ribcage. She knows where this is going. Before she can stop it, Olivia's hand closes around her breast, and she loses her mind; her nerves short circuit.

Skin on skin, lips devouring lips, it's the most wonderful feeling. Their mouths make love to each other slowly, and Amanda doesn't want to stop. She _can't_ stop. And if Olivia doesn't stop, their first time will most definitely be on a blanket by a creek in the open outdoors.

The older woman pulls away and she looks down at Amanda, lips swollen and parted. "Is this okay?" She whispers, her thumb brushing across a pert nipple. She can only nod quickly before leaning up to capture Olivia's lips once more, her teeth gnashing at the brunette's plump bottom lip.

They're connected in so many ways now, endlessly entangled within feeling and emotion and an unbreakable bond. It grows deeper each day they wake up next to each other, each time they fall asleep together. Amanda never knew it could be like this, even without sex, it's the most intimate she's ever been with another person, and the thought of doing this- being like _this-_ with anyone else, terrifies her. Olivia Benson is it for her.

Olivia pulls away again, retracts her hand and brings it up to cup the younger woman's blushing cheek. "You wanna pack up and go back inside?" She asks softly, thumb stroking Amanda's cheekbone. "We can find a movie and curl up on the couch." It's an enticing offer, and she'll most likely agree, but she wants to stay here for a few moments longer, take in the reality of now.

"In a minute. Let's just lay here for a few more minutes, okay?" She replies, a small smile on her kiss-swollen lips. Olivia settles back down next to her, repeating their position before their little makeout session, and they both gaze back up at the cloud covered sky.

The moment she sees it, she feels it coming. Olivia's words. A white cloud in the shape of an elephant, distorted from the shifting, yet still clearly shaped. She looks over at the older woman and smiles, seeing brown eyes light up.

"I see an elephant."

And even though she expected it, she bursts out laughing, ignoring the eyeroll she's awarded from the brunette. "I see it too!" She defends, dodging the light smack aimed at her arm, "I see it.."

"Then why are you laughing? Just to be an ass?" Comes Olivia's sassy retort.

"No, because I knew you'd see it too. I was waiting for you to say something." She smirks, turning back to look at the sky. As childish as this feels, it's also nice. She can see herself out here every week with Olivia, laying just like this, pointing out shapes in the sky like children.

But after everything they've both been through, a little childlike fun doesn't hurt.

It's healing for them both.

She points to the left. "There's a duck." Her finger traces the outline of the cloud, and Olivia follows her line of sight. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the other woman shake her head, humming a disagreeing 'no.'

"That's obviously a boat."

"I don't know what the hell you're looking at, but that's a duck." She replies defiantly.

….

"I think that next week, when I go to my appointment, I should go alone."

The words shock Amanda. "Why?" She looks up from her pile of clothes on the guest bed, dropping the t-shirt she'd folded just seconds before.

Olivia shrugs, "It's something I should do once in a while.. I can't depend on you coming with me _every_ time.. You know?" She smiles softly, leaning against the doorframe, brown eyes moving around the room. Amanda can tell that the other woman is waiting for a reply, but she doesn't know exactly what to say. She wonders if she'd done something wrong from the time they had their picnic to now, but so far, it's been a good day for both of them.

"Please don't think it's you.." Olivia jumps, seeing the look on the blonde's face. "It's not, I promise. I just.. I want everything to be as normal as possible. Please understand.."

Amanda nods slowly, a hesitant smile crossing her face. "That's okay. Whatever you think is best, Liv, I'm on board." She walks over to where Olivia is standing and brushes brown hair behind the other woman's ear, then leans in to place a sweet kiss on her lips. When she pulls away, Olivia tilts her head slightly, eyeing the pile of clean clothes on the untouched bed.

"I have one more request."

Amanda laughs softly, hoping it's not something like the previous one, and she steps back to occupy herself as Olivia talks.

"I um, I have some room… In my closet. If you wanna maybe.. Move your things in there?" Another unexpected question, and this time with an even quicker answer.

"You mean you want me to move into your room?" She arches a blonde brow.

"Well, it's not like you don't already sleep in there with me.. It's basically _ours_ already." She shrugs, a tint of blush on her cheeks. It's rare that Amanda sees Olivia blush, and even more rare that she asks for something in general, let alone something so intimate and personal. So she saves the older woman the embarrassment of having to further explain herself, and she nods enthusiastically.

"Of _course_ I'll move in with you Liv.." She jokes good naturedly, "Are you sure we're ready for such a big step?" A hand covers her heart, feigning concern, and the air lightens. A grin crosses her face as Olivia rolls her eyes softly.

"We're ready."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Olivia's made room in her dresser and closet for what little amounts of clothes Amanda's brought with her. She makes a mental note as she folds the last of her t-shirts to pick up some more clothes next time they go into town together. She feels eyes on the back of her head as she stuffs her side of the dresser and she smiles.

"I can feel you staring." She laughs, turning around to find Olivia on the bed, feet hanging off the side while she holds her upper body up with her elbow. "I don't have enough clothes." She puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head, enjoying the sight in front of her.

Today, when they woke up, the sun was shining through the soft curtains, creating a soft glow on the skin of Olivia's shoulders. The older woman had started wearing tank tops to sleep almost every night ever since their bathroom encounter. Amanda can't help feeling a sense of gratitude towards the brunette for trusting her; for letting her trust _grow._ She lets her eyes take in the way the older woman gazes at her lovingly, how her now-shoulder-length hair cascades over her jaw in just a way that makes her look breathtaking.

Somehow, she thinks, Olivia will _always_ be breathtaking.

The brunette smiles and pats the bed next to her. "Come lay with me for a minute. We can go shopping later... I need groceries soon anyway." She scoots over a bit, for no reason really, because the blonde fully intends to press herself against Olivia like they do every night.

She lays down next to her lover, legs and bellies touching softly as she brushes a strand of brown hair back. She takes in every detail of the older woman's face; sometimes she just likes to _look_ at the older woman. Something she could never do before back in New York. Now she doesn't waste a second. She's already wasted so many of them.

"You okay?" Olivia asks, turning her head to kiss the younger woman's fingertips softly, "You're awfully quiet." Amanda watches the action, unable to think of a reasonable response as the other woman moves impossibly closer.

She feels it bubble inside her; the carnal need to just make Olivia hers. Not just physically and sexually, but emotionally too. It's shown up unannounced many times in the past few days, but right now, it's overwhelming. "I'm okay." She hums, laying her head onto the duvet and closing her eyes. If she doesn't look, she won't touch.

"I hope you know that if you want to touch me, you can.. I won't break." Comes Olivia's voice, deep with a hint of suggestion and soft with the promise of understanding. Of course the other woman had read her mind, it would be unlike her to have not.

Her eyes pop open and she looks back at the brunette. She arches a blonde brow and scoots up to the top of the bed, leaning against the headboard, taking a moment to decipher if she really, truly heard those words correctly. "I just don't want to ever trigger you." She shrugs, watching as Olivia sits up on her knees to her right.

Brown eyes roll and she fights a smirk.

"I thought I made it clear that I _know_ that you aren't him. That you won't trigger me." Her voice is irritated and Amanda wants to agree with her—she does, but the hard fact is, is that if she were to do something and it _does_ trigger Olivia, she wouldn't know how to forgive herself.

"You say that, Liv, and I trust your word, I know that you believe it, but you don't _know for a fact_ that you won't get triggered."

"You touched my breast and all I felt was you. Not him." She urges, now more determined to be right. She crawls up Amanda's body, eyes set on blue ones. Straddling the younger woman, she leans down, a hand on either side of her blonde head and she whispers softly, "How am I going to know what triggers me if we don't do anything? How will we know what to look out for?"

She makes a good point. And Amanda doesn't know if she's close to caving in because of _that_ or because Olivia is _straddling_ her. "Olivia..." She warns softly, breathing in deeply in attempt to calm her haywire nerves.

"You saw me naked. You kiss me all the time.. _I touched you._ " She argues, shaking her head. "You don't know how frustrating it is for me… to _want_ to be with you, only to be told that I'm not ready. You don't know what will trigger me. For all we know, _nothing_ will."

"I _do_ know how frustrating it is, Liv." Amanda says calmly, letting her hands cup Olivia's hips softly. "I know what it's like to _want_ to be better. But the truth is, it takes time." She smiles "I'm still not completely recovered from the shit I went through in Atlanta." She caresses up and down, fingers spreading over the tops of the older woman's thighs soothingly. "But can you honestly tell me…" She pauses, bringing one hand to the inside of Olivia's thigh slowly, thumb brushing the seam between her legs ever so softly, "That if I touched you here, you would be completely trusting, there wouldn't be a second thought in your head, and you'd be worry free?"

She watches brown eyes slip closed and pink lips part. To be able to garner that look coupled with cries of pleasure from this woman would be a dream.

"I _can't_ honestly tell you that." Olivia hums, "I don't know what will happen. All I'm saying is that we won't know if we don't try."

She leans down and presses her lips against Amanda's, mouth open and ready for whatever's to come. The blonde allows the kiss without hesitation, letting Olivia take what she wants and give what she's willing to give. Her hands slide from the tops of Olivia's thighs to her back, rubbing soft circles over her shirt.

"We'll get there, Liv. You know we will." She purrs, fighting a moan as the older woman grinds down softly onto her hips. _Sooner than expected if you don't stop that._

She can tell Olivia is growing impatient and irritated, and frankly, she's very sure that if the older woman says one more thing, she'll be done. Nothing will keep her from flipping them over and having her way with her.

"Baby steps?" Olivia murmurs, tucking short brown hair behind her ears.

Amanda nods slowly, eyes never leaving the brunette as she grips the hem of her own shirt. She knows she should stop what's about to happen. It's completely unfair, especially because they both know nothing can go very far, it _shouldn't_ go very far, but she just lets her eyes watch as Olivia pulls her top over her head, revealing a black lace bra and miles of tan skin.

"Olivia-"

"The only way we can take baby steps is if we actually try to move forward."

 _Very true._

There's a conviction in her voice that nearly convinces Amanda, so much so that she finally settles in and lets Olivia do what she wants. At least for the time being. Because at the end of the day, Amanda knows she'll never be able to fully deny this woman anything. She's letting Olivia take the reigns.

"Will you kiss me?" The older woman's warm voice fills their bedroom, and the blonde feels 1000° hotter.

She leans up to press her lips against Olivia's, but she's greeted with a warm cheek instead of lips. She furrows her brows in confusion, nipping softly at the flesh. "Not there." Olivia whispers.

To the corner of her eye, she sees the black bra that was _just_ encasing the other woman's full breasts hit the floor. Her mouth runs impossibly dry, and she reaches up to grip the bare sides of Olivia's waist.

"What happened to baby steps?" She growls out, eyes gazing directly at full, bulbous breasts. It's like staring into the sun. She looks away, back into aroused brown ones. With arousal comes a need that even Amanda doesn't think she could fulfill. This woman deserves _everything._

"Please, Amanda.. I need to feel you. I need to know-"

She never wants Olivia to beg, that's not what her ultimate goal is. If the older woman says that she's sure, Amanda's going to have to trust her word. So she allows her eyes to drift away from swirling brown ones, back down to aroused breasts. They seem bigger than the first time she saw them in the bathroom. Pert nipples are distended and begging to be suckled. Her hands drift from the other woman's waist, up, cupping the fleshy mounds gently, as if testing the waters.

When all she gets is a soft moan and a hitched breath, she presses her lips to the swell of Olivia's right breast, kissing and nipping down and around the entirety of it, but never making contact with her nipple.

She kisses every scar softly, just like she did that first time, and when she feels fingers thread through her hair and tug back, she knows that Olivia can now see why she was so hesitant.

"Not those.. How can you kiss those?"

It's a harsh whisper, full of anguish and sadness.

She smiles bringing her face up to Olivia's, placing a kiss on the corner of her lover's mouth. "Because no matter who put them there, it's all you." She whispers back, tongue darting out to trace along the quivering seam of the other woman's lips.

Amanda pauses, eyes drifting over the exposed body in front of her, and shakes her head. "All of it.. it's is who you are, and God, Olivia, I love every single part of you." She admits, hotly and shakily right there against her lover's lips.

So much for baby steps.

Here, in the privacy of their room, Amanda has finally admitted her love for the woman whose owned her heart for the good part of 3 years. It feels as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, only to have another one replace it.

 _This was probably too soon!_

She feels Olivia stiffen in her arms, and a brief thought crosses her mind; maybe all the older woman was looking for is purely physical. Maybe she doesn't feel as deeply for Amanda as Amanda does for her.

 _Your judgment is clouded so easily around her._

"I shouldn't have-"

She's cut off by lips; soft, demanding, wet lips. She won't expect Olivia to say the words back, she's okay with that for now, especially while she's doing _that_ with her mouth. Although this may have been an off time to admit love to one another, she somehow feels better now-knowing that Olivia knows just how she feels.

Maybe they've graduated to _toddler_ steps.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The house is eerily quiet on this rainy thursday afternoon. Amanda can't remember the last time she saw this much precipitation in such a small amount of time. She peers out the large bay window in the dining room, outlooking the side of Olivia's house. She can see the sky, the small patch of blueish-gray, covered with large dusky clouds. Even on gloomy days like this, the clouds are large and full and puffy.

She holds her warm cup of coffee in her hands, warming her cold fingers and she thinks. A billion and one thoughts rush through her head about everything; from the guys back in New York to Olivia alone in Albuquerque at her therapy appointment.

A year ago, everything was different. She was struggling daily with finding a reason to keep it all together. A year ago, Olivia Benson was dating Brian Cassidy (a short lived relationship, and frankly, one that made her stomach turn). A year ago, She and Olivia were barely even _friends._ It was somewhere between colleagues and acquaintances. Now, the only thing she can ever really, _truly_ think about is the brunette. Ever enchanting, soft, full of a light that's growing brighter every day.

She sips her warm drink and wonders if letting Olivia go alone was a great idea, but then again, it's not her place to 'let' the older woman do anything. If she wanted alone time, she was allowed alone time. The only worry that sits in the back of the blonde's head is the fear that Olivia won't be as okay as they always hope, and then she'll be alone in the city, alone in the car, alone on the drive back. _Alone._

Amanda promised herself and everyone back in New York that being _alone_ was something Olivia would never again have to be.

It's been nearly two hours since her lover left and she can't help but miss her terribly. She never thought she'd be _that_ person. The person who can't be without their significant other for a long period of time, who's clingy and needy. The only thing that makes her feel better about it is the fact that Olivia is nearly the same at times. Mostly when they're curled up together, whether it's on the couch or in their bed.

She's never felt this sort of need before-not sexual or physical, but to protect and take care of and keep safe. Not even with Kim.

With Kim, it was more of an obligation. She loves her sister, of course, but the kind of destruction in the young woman's life was mostly- _is_ mostly- self caused. No matter how hard anyone tries to keep Kim on a good path, she always strays willingly.

Olivia is different. Obviously.

She resists the urge to send a text to the other woman, knowing that the session has most likely been over for about thirty minutes, but she refrains. Olivia wanted this time to think and reteach herself to be somewhat independent. Even with Amanda telling her that it's unnecessary.

She drains the remaining drops of her coffee and makes her way into the kitchen, intent on pouring another glass, mostly as a distraction. But the sound of keys and a doorknob turning diverts her attention to the front door. She holds her breath as Olivia pushes her way in, shaking out her umbrella over the large rug, droplets of water most likely getting on the shag rug a few feet away.

That's the least of Amanda's concerns, though.

She takes, no.. _forces_.. A few moments to decipher if the water on the older woman's cheeks are from the rain or from her eyes. Brown hair is semi-matted to dark cheeks, curls that had been forced by heat now hanging down heavily in waves, clinging to the top of the brunette's jacket.

It's a nerve wracking feeling; not being able to rush to the other woman immediately. Making herself stay in that very spot, right at the end of the hallway and in the entrance of the kitchen.

And then a wave, a tidal wave really, of relief floods over her entire being. Olivia's lips pull up into a smile and she takes a few steps forward, kicking off her boots in the process. "You look like you're in pain." She mutters, a smirk on her plump lips.

 _She fucking is._

"I didn't know if it would be okay to-"

"Come and kiss me."

She doesn't need another word. She doesn't have the patience to _listen_ to another word. Instead, she rushes over the the older woman and pushes her gently against the nearest wall, immediately attaching their mouths together. Olivia kisses her deeply, without restraint and hesitance and trepidation.

"Did you even use that umbrella, Liv?" Amanda shivers, feeling cold, wet fabric press against her thin t-shirt. "You're soaked."

The other woman simply hums before reattaching her lips to the blonde's. Amanda doesn't deny the contact, instead welcomes it with parted lips and warm breath. The sweet feeling of tongue against tongue weakens the younger woman's knees significantly, and she has no choice but to press closer to Olivia. Her shirt is undoubtedly wet now too, but she doesn't care. No amount of water could keep her from kissing this woman.

They kiss for several minutes while fingers caress cheeks and weave into hair (both wet and dry). When Amanda pulls away, she takes note of the slight shiver in the older woman's body. She bites her lip and steps away. "Let's get you warmed up." She tugs the other woman's hand and leads her down the opposite hallway and into their bedroom. "You hop into the shower and I'll make you some tea, okay?"

"You look a little cold too." Olivia notes, eyeing the large, nearly see-through patch on the younger woman's shirt.

Sure, she's cold. But she was only planning on changing her top.

"It's okay, I can just change…" Her words fade as Olivia unbuttons her peacoat, shedding that and her cardigan, letting them fall to the floor softly.

"Wanna take a shower with me?" The older woman asks, a note of amusement in her shining brown eyes, which are surprisingly lighter looking in this moment. Amanda briefly wonders what the other woman talked about with her therapist earlier. She wants to ask, but refrains.

Wait. Olivia asked a question.

"Huh?" She stutters, shocked and confused.

The brunette laughs and grabs her hand, pulling her into the bathroom. "Will you. Take a shower. With me?" She punctuates every few words with a soft kiss to the blushing skin of the blonde's cheek and jaw.

"Yeah.." She murmurs, and then her eyes widen. _Yeah?_ She just agreed. Even Olivia looks shocked. Amused and smug, but shocked no less. "Um.. Wait. Are you sure? I don't want you to-" She's cut off by lips, soft and confident. Okay. Olivia's sure. She pulls at the hem of her own top as Olivia shed her clothes, eyes never leaving each other's movements.

This is a large step, they both know it. And just because they're going to be naked and in a very close proximity of each other doesn't mean that they have to _do_ anything. They're just getting warm, and that's okay. She can't help but stare though, as Olivia removes her bra and panties. She's seen her naked twice now, and still, the novelty of it doesn't wear. She's absolutely enraptured with how beautiful Olivia's body is. Scars or not, she's the most gorgeous thing the blonde has ever laid eyes on.

She's too distracted to notice the blush on the other woman's cheeks and the arch of a perfectly shapen brow. When she finally moves her eyes back up to amused, shy brown ones, she blushes madly.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." Olivia bites her lip. She turns to the shower and twists the knobs until the stream coming from the faucet is an acceptable temperature. "I'm gonna get in while you finish undressing." She states shyly, flipping on the shower and stepping into the spray.

Amanda takes the free moment to breathe as she strips off the rest of her clothes.

She can do this. She can share a shower with Olivia.

When she steps in, she feels her fears wash down the drain with the hot water. This feels nicer than she anticipated. Olivia dips her head under the spray, tilting her head back to let the water wash over her hair and down her body, and Amanda stands close, watching the action. Her body looks smooth and slick and incredibly inviting, the way her breasts rest comfortably on her chest, dark nipples hardened slightly from the warmth of the water, toned abdomen leading down to a groomed patch of curls between shapely thighs. It all spells out perfection.

She hears something and snaps her blue eyes back up to Olivia's, "Hm?" She hums. Her face feels hot, and she's pretty sure it's not from the steam of the shower.

"I said do you want to trade places?"

"Oh. Sure."

Their bodies brush together lightly as they rotate, Olivia now closer to the end of the tub and Amanda standing under the steady stream. They're surrounded by a wrap-around curtain, there's no walls near, and Amanda is glad. A wall is too tempting right now. She's grateful for the odd looking clawfoot tub.

She feels eyes on her, and after a few moments, hands too. Fingers softly touch her waist and she lets out a shaky breath.

"I talked to her about you today." Olivia whispers, voice closer to the younger woman's ear than expected. For a moment, Amanda is confused, head cloudy from steam and the heat of Olivia's body so close to hers. It's a few moments after the words are spoken when she realizes that the older woman is talking about her therapist.

"Yeah?" She asks, taking the sweet smelling shower gel in her hand and popping the cap. Olivia's hand appears from behind and she smiles, squeezing the bottle and depositing a healthy amount into it. She's anticipating cool air that will inevitably wash over her back when Olivia moves away to wash her own body, but when it doesn't come, she moves to turn around.

Warm, slippery hands on her waist stop her, and her breath hitches. She nearly forgets to breathe as those same hands begin rubbing the gel soothingly into her skin, from waist to stomach to ribs to hips.

"She asked me how our _relationship_ is progressing." Comes Olivia's low response, voice dripping with seriousness and honesty.

"And what did you say?" Amanda asks, eyes slipping closed as wandering hands move up her arms and over her shoulders, then down her back. She's mostly sure that the soap has rinsed off by now, she can feel the barrier of slickness fade between her skin and Olivia's hands, but she doesn't say anything. If the older woman wants to explore, she can explore.

Amanda is done denying it. If there ends up being a setback between them, then they can work on it, but until that time comes, she's not going to refuse Olivia's touch anymore. She's not going to deny herself the opportunity to touch Olivia back. Even if it doesn't happen in this moment, she won't stop herself or the older woman when it _does_ happen.

"I told her that you've been so respectful and considerate.. And I told her that you had said you love me."

Those words stun Amanda for a moment, she gulps thickly. "Mhmm."

"She asked me if I said it back."

She _hadn't_ said it back. And that didn't bother the younger woman at all. It still doesn't. She will say it when and if she's ever ready.

"Liv-"

"I want to say it back, Amanda.. I really want to. Because God knows I feel it." The conviction in her voice nearly brings Amanda to her knees. She's never heard Olivia so sure of something. So sure of herself.

"You can say it when you're ready. There's no pressure." Olivia hasn't let her turn around, she desperately wants to, but the firm grip on her upper arms keep her body facing the other direction. She feels breasts push against her back. Her mouth drops open in arousal, and she turns her head to get a look at the woman behind her.

"I love you enough to wait, Olivia. Forever, if I have to."

No more words need to be spoken. Not when their lips press together softly in a sweet, unhurried kiss.


	13. Chapter 13

**This chapter is rated M for explicit sexual content. Enjoy.. ;)**

 **Chapter 13**

She's vastly aware of the decision she'd made in the shower yesterday. The wild decision not to hold back or stop Olivia when things heat up, and she wonders briefly if that was such a good idea.

But then she remembers how the older woman was when she got home from her appointment the day before, how she didn't look upset in the least and had been frisky and playful. She knows deep down that Olivia is still hurting, but also, it may be hurting her to not be able to do the things she wants to do, like _make love._

The word sex seems a little too downplayed for what they're undoubtedly going to do in the near future.

She turns her head slowly, not wanting to make too much noise, and then just stares. Stares at the woman asleep next to her, one hand thrown above her head, the other resting on top of the younger woman's stomach, hair splayed across the light colored pillow and lips parted slightly. It's the second most beautiful sight she's ever had the privilege to witness. The first being Olivia staring at the sunset by the stream.

Amanda doesn't know the exact time, body too relaxed to reach over and check on her phone, so she decides not to worry about it. Time isn't important right now, in this very moment.

She hears Olivia's grandfather clock located just outside the bedroom and the light pitter-patter of rain against the windows and roof. One thing she thinks she'll never grow tired of is the silence. Even when there's music in the house or a movie on, the rest of the world around them seems so peaceful. She figures that that's how it is, out here in New Mexico.

A shift in the sheets forces her to look over at the older woman, who is turning on her side to face the blonde, the hand on Amanda's stomach flattening and slipping across to her waist.

Amanda figures she has about five to ten minutes before Olivia wakes.

A soft hum and a hand caressing back and forth. Or maybe a minute.

"How'd you sleep?" She asks the other woman softly, bringing her fingers up to brush brown hair back.

"Better than I have in a while."

She smiles softly, "That's good." It's quiet as Olivia shifts once more, bringing her body flush with Amanda's, and both women sigh in contentment. She doesn't know why she asks, but moments later, she's looking at the other woman, "Have you ever been with a woman before?" She's shocked both of them. "I-I mean.. Have you ever been in a _relationship_ with one?"

A red blush dusts over Olivia's cheeks and nose and she shrugs. "Not really. In college I kind of.. Experimented. It's been men mostly, though."

"Are _we_ experimenting?" She doesn't know why she asks, and she immediately regrets it as a frown tugs at the older woman's lips. She holds tight as Olivia tries to pull away, and she shakes her head, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to-"

"Yes you did.. But no, we aren't. I'm not in a position to _experiment_ and also, I'm not a college student." Her tone is curt and the blonde feels bad.

"I'm sorry, Liv." It's all she can think to say that actually has a deep, definite meaning.

"It's okay." They finally settle back into each other, hands caressing softly and breaths synchronized. "Have _you_ been with a woman?" Olivia asks in return, turning her head up to look at Amanda.

The blonde shakes her head shyly, "I've had plenty of crushes but no. You're the first, and most definitely only." The words are softly spoken, full of love and affection and everything in between. She smiles down at the older woman and the eye contact ensues an even softer kiss.

When they pull away, Amanda pushes her head against back into the plush pillow and sighs, a small grin on her face. The first thing they need to do today is get up and make their morning beverages (tea for Olivia as usual) and then they need to talk. The decisions she's made between their time in the shower and this very moment are things that Olivia should be aware of as well.

"Why don't we get up and eat some breakfast? Then maybe after we can go sit by the stream and talk."

She can see the question in the other woman's eyes but is grateful when all she gets in return is a smile and nod. She leans over and kisses her lover one more time before flinging the blankets off of her body dramatically and sliding out of the side. "I'll get breakfast started and you just take your time." She says, tying her hair up in her usual sloppy morning ponytail.

….

"Mmmm. How'd you learn to make these so well?" Olivia asks, mouth full of the sweet New Mexican pastry. Since the younger woman had finally learned to make sopapillas correctly, there's been an abundance of them in their house. This morning she'd decided to make a fresh batch, just for Olivia.

"Practice makes perfect, I guess. I'm just glad they don't completely suck."

"Total opposite."

She feigns shock, "So they _blow_?"

"Smartass." The brunette laughs, rolling her eyes good naturedly. "They're _amazing._ Just like you." The words are uncharacteristic for Olivia, but spoken softly and with an overflow of adoration. Amanda's heart swells as their eyes lock for a few moments.

"So," Olivia breaks the silence as she swallows her last bite. "When do you wanna walk to the stream?" She asks, licking the honey off her index finger and thumb. Amanda doesn't make herself look away this time, instead watching as the older woman licks the digit before sucking it into her mouth to clean off any residue.

Her eyes snap back up to brown ones, shocked that the other woman had done something so… _erotic.._ She wonders if the action was on purpose or simply just an effort to clean the honey off her fingers. Her suspicions are confirmed when the brunette starts laughing.

"You're evil." She shakes her head, standing up from the table and grabbing her empty mug. Before she can walk past Olivia, she feels fingers hook into the belt loop of her jeans and pull, forcing her to stop.

Olivia pulls her closer and stands, wrapping an arm around the younger woman's waist while keeping the other hand at the waistband of Amanda's jeans. She ghosts her lips across the blonde's before finally pressing them together in a soft, chaste kiss. A kiss that tastes faintly like honey. This, also, is slightly out of character for the brunette, but Amanda's learned that it's only out of character because it's a side that the older woman only shows to people who deserve it.

And she's proud that she gets to finally see it.

"We'll head to the stream in twenty. I'm going to go see how cold it is out there." She informs, brushing her thumb across Olivia's cheekbone.

"Okay."

….

Amanda watches in amazement as Olivia cuffs her jeans up to her knees and dips her feet into the water. They'd decided that it wasn't cold enough for jackets, so they left the house in their usual button-ups and jeans. "How are your feet not freezing?" She asks, leaning down to dip her fingers into the running water. She'll admit, it's not as cold as she anticipated, but it's not exactly 'wade worthy' either.

"Please. I did this back in late winter-early spring when I _first_ moved here."

The younger woman laughs, shaking her head. "You're crazy." She laughs again when Olivia shrugs, leaning back to rest on her elbows. Amanda looks to the mountains, summoning the courage to say what she's thinking as she stares out at the beautiful scenery. "I um. I think you already know pretty much.. How I feel about you.." She starts, not taking her eyes off her focal point. When Olivia hums, she continues. "I came here because my top priority was to make sure.. _See for myself.._ How you've been doing, and my first thought was to stay here and just _be_ with you. I didn't care if we got together or not, I just wanted to be near." She's having trouble forming her words, and she shakes her head, almost as if she's in pain.

Olivia sits up, a hand falling into her own lap and the other coming out to rub the younger woman's back comfortingly. "You've been taking such good care of me." She agrees, tilting her head to let Amanda know that she can continue.

"And lately, since we've started _this,"_ She motions between them, pointing out the close proximity. "It's been getting hard to control myself." She blushes, tucking the longer strands of her bangs behind her left ear. "It was easier in the beginning, because you weren't.."

"I wasn't as okay as I am now." The older woman nods, a small, sad smile on her lips. The blonde is grateful that Olivia is catching on.

"Yeah." She turns to face the brunette, one knee bent and the other nearly hanging off the small ridge of the stream. "And yesterday in the shower.. It was a test in my control. A very.. _Hard_ test."

The older woman smirks and leans in slightly, lips parting to inhale a soft breath. "I thought that me inviting you into my shower said enough.."

Amanda's eyes widen for a moment, and the blush returns, garnering a soft laugh from Olivia. Of course it _said things._ Her body told her to take what she wanted right then and there, but in respect of the other woman's privacy, she kept her eyes (for the most part) and hands to herself. Had she known that she didn't _really_ have to, she wouldn't have.

But then again, maybe she would have.

"I just want to be careful.. That's all." She replies quietly, scooting closer to Olivia.

"I know, and I am so grateful for that, Manda. Really. But.." She sighs deeply, shoulders sagging, "I find it hard to try and move on from Lewis when you.. When you treat me like I'll break if you touch me."

The words hit a little hard, and yet they're completely true. She shakes her head, "I'm sorry, Liv. That wasn't my-"

A finger presses against her lips, then is replaced by the other woman's plump lips. They kiss, and it's full of love and confirmation (of so many things, too many to count), and sureness. "I know it wasn't."

The blonde smiles, appreciative that Olivia isn't upset or mad. "My whole point of this conversation, though.." She starts, clearing her throat. "I know that you've been getting.. _Frustrated.."_ She ignores the other woman's short bark of laughter. "And I've been kinda stoppin' things from going further."

"Yes."

She smiles at the short answer, leaning over to place a quick kiss on Olivia's lips.

"Well, I've been telling myself that I need to trust you when you say that you're ready. So next time.." She tilts her head, looks at the running water as a strawberry blush dusts her cheeks, "If you start something… I'm not going to stop it."

A perfectly shapen brow arches, "And if _you_ start something?"

"You can stop me if you want. But until you do, I'll have every intention of _finishing."_

"Good to know." Olivia bites her lip, reaching up to finger a chunk of blonde hair that'd slipped out of the loose ponytail. Their eyes connect for the billionth time today and the air suddenly feels lighter.

….

That night, they find themselves in their bed, curled up intimately. They'd talked a little more during lunch and dinner, and some more in between, but it had been just a little awkward.

And the teasing.

There had been too much of it, Amanda had decided. So much teasing that when they got into their bed, even after telling herself that they'd probably just sleep, they'd instead clung to each other, from legs to lips. Olivia started it, leaning in slowly and pressing her lips wantonly, almost shyly against the younger woman's, and that's when it started to change.

And somehow, this kiss that they're actively engaged in, feels different from all of the others. It's the beginning of a new stage in their ever-progressing relationship, so of course it's going to feel different. Amanda breathes in as they turn onto their sides and entangle their legs just a little more, fingers spearing through newly bed-tousled hair. The light hum she feels against her lips spurs her on, and she pushes Olivia's back to the mattress, sliding on top of her slowly, cautiously, but never breaking their liplock. It grows deeper by the second, and she knows it's only a matter of time before tongue is introduced. More like _reacquainted._

Amanda trails her hands under Olivia's sleep shirt, soft cotton brushing against the back of her hands as her palms caress silky, tanned flesh. She's surrounded by softness.

"Don't stop…" Olivia whispers, threading her fingers through Amanda's blonde hair. "Please."

So she doesn't.

She pulls the other woman's shirt up, revealing aroused breasts, and immediately dips her head down and presses her open mouth to a puckered nipple. Tasting Olivia's body, _really_ tasting, for the first time is like delving into a new drug. She's hooked. When a whimper slips from the older woman's lips, she takes it as an 'okay' to continue. Teeth and tongue lash at her cinnamon colored bud, sucking it into her warm mouth before releasing it, topping the action off with a broad lick of her tongue across the entirety.

She repeats the same process on Olivia's other breast, leaving no patch of skin unkissed.

As she moves up, she takes the other woman's shirt with her, pressing her mouth against Olivia's as she tosses the garment to the floor on her right side. Tongues tangle needily, bodies press together wanly and their lust for each other builds.

"I want you." She husks, trailing her hands down to the waistband of Olivia's leggings.

" _Yes."_ Is the only response the older woman gives, and she smiles. Amanda hooks her fingers gently, sliding down and taking the leggings and panties with her fingers, tugging them down long legs slowly. She revels in the sight of a naked Olivia. Natural and aroused and, surprisingly, showing no signs of hesitation.

Maybe they are _most definitely_ ready for this.

She's being pulled back up, lips reattaching to lips, and she sinks her body in between Olivia's parting legs. She grinds her hips into the older woman's overheated, wet sex, unable to withhold the low groan she releases as she watches a tan neck arch, brown eyes disappear behind a curtain of thick lashes, and a pink mouth part.

"Look at me, Liv. You gotta stay with me." She demands softly, letting her open palm, pressed against Olivia's stomach, drift down the length of her body until it comes into contact with soft, trimmed curls.

When her eyes don't open, she pushes two fingers against the brunette's clit and rubs softly, "Olivia." She hums, moving her fingertips in soft circles. "Look."

Finally, the older woman's eyes snap open and connect with blue ones, and only then does Amanda allow those two fingers to push into her throbbing opening. She thrusts deeply, moving her hips in time with her hand and she sets a slow, determined pace.

" _Amanda_.." Olivia moans, moving her hips in tandem with the other woman's.

They're making love. More importantly, Amanda's making love to _Olivia._ She's feeding the other woman's body with love and pleasure and a desire that only has good intentions. Her free hand moves one of Olivia's above her head and she laces their fingers together, which also gives her leverage to move a bit faster.

The older woman's free arm bands around Amanda's neck and she lets out another moan, this time slightly higher than the first. Her leg moves up higher, wrapping around the blonde's hip tightly.

And although they've never been together like this, have never made love, she can tell that Olivia is nearing her release. She can tell by the way her breathing picks up, the way her chin quivers slightly and (Amanda's favorite) eyelids flutter.

So _this_ is what it looks like when Olivia Benson is about to come.

She stores this sight away into her memory and then picks up the pace.

"You gonna come for me, baby?" She purrs softly against the other woman's lips, breathing in the sweet scent of her. She's surrounded by Olivia. Completely engulfed.

The brunette nods, swallowing thickly before her back arches, leg tightens around Amanda's hip. "Yes.. _Harder, please.."_

And then she pistons her hips and hand, in and out. Olivia's hand flies from around her neck to the bed next to her, gripping the soft sheets in an death grip as a shriek rips from her throat. Amanda feels tight walls clamp around her fingers, the older woman's body shaking underneath her and several unintelligible sounds falling from her parted lips.

Pure bliss washes over Olivia's features as she finally lets go, warmth spilling out around the blonde's fingers.

"God, Liv." She breathes, pressing her lips to the other woman's taut throat, trailing up to her jaw. "You okay?"

Another nod while Olivia catches her breath. She drops her leg from Amanda's hip and she relaxes into the bed, legs unashamedly spread wide for her lover. She smiles, brown eyes gazing into blue ones as she leans up onto her elbows slowly, biting her lip.

"I love you."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Amanda wakes up a few hours later, most likely around 4 AM, her naked body warm and there's a lingering, dull throb between her legs. She smiles as she remembers what had taken place in this very bed only hours before. They finally took that step together, climbed another hurdle in their relationship.

And then she remembers how Olivia had finally said _I love you_ back.

She looks over at the woman sleeping peacefully next to her, naked and content. Her back is completely exposed to the moonlight sneaking in from between the slightly parted curtains, miles of caramel skin untouched, save for the few scars that mark the precious territory.

Suddenly, the younger woman has the urge to trace her finger down the long line of healed tissue on Olivia's spine, as if her touch could banish away the unwanted blemish. Her desire eventually wins over and she scoots closer, instead of trailing her fingers there, she presses her lips against the warm flesh and draws them down, softly. Gooseflesh breaks out across the expanse of Olivia's back and she arches a little.

Amanda moves, now uncaring if Olivia is content and sound asleep. She's selfish, really. This need that has finally broken free from it's cell deep in her body is now running rampant throughout her entire being, and she's selfish for letting it. She turns the older woman's body, and in moments, brown eyes slide open slowly, blinking desperately to ward off the sleep and confusion. "What's wrong?" She immediately asks, reaching over to cup the blonde's cheek. Intense love washes over Amanda; the amount of feeling she has for this woman is overwhelming at times, this being one of those times.

And it's not a _bad_ overwhelming, per se, but the kind that makes your toes curl and heart skip and eyes water.

"Nothing, Liv. Sorry to wake you." She's not sorry. Especially not when the brunette reaches her arms over her head in an lazy stretch, causing her back to arch and breasts to be exposed completely. She's definitely not sorry. "You're beautiful." She whispers, unable to control the heavy emotion torpedoing through her.

"Back atcha, Rollins." The older woman purrs, eyes heavy with sleep- and now, arousal. "Are you okay with what we did earlier?" She asks softly, folding her arms slightly above her head. She obviously has no desire to assume her previous position.

If she wants to talk, she's going to have to not look like _that._

Then again, self control, albeit hard, is definitely manageable.

"Too late to ask that _now.."_ Amanda smirks, scooting closer to snuggle into the other woman's side. Her hand immediately reaches up to cup the underside of Olivia's full breast. "And besides, don't you think I should be asking _you_ that?"

"Well," Olivia breathes, her body arching naturally into the other woman's hand, "If you _must_ know.. I'm very okay with what happened." Amanda watches her eyes slip closed briefly as she flicks her thumb over a pert nipple. A whimper tears from her throat when the blonde tugs the bud firmly, applying just enough pressure to give more pleasure than pain. She never wants to cause Olivia pain.

She feels tired again, her limbs heavy, but it would be almost cruel if she were to stop right in this moment, after having gotten the older woman so aroused and worked up. She bites her lip, contemplating if this would even be okay, but she figures that if Olivia doesn't like it, she'll stop the blonde right away. So she takes her hand away from the brunette's breast and readjusts her body so that she's on top of the older woman. The first place she kisses is the burn mark right between both undersides of Olivia's breast. She darts her tongue out to taste that patch of flesh, then moves up, dragging wetness between heaving breasts.

She can't move on without paying a little attention to the older woman's nipples first, so she suckles each one softly, nibbling the dark skin around the bud. Then she moves down, feeling fingers thread through her hair as she kisses each rib. Feels a quivering stomach cave slightly as she licks a trail to the other woman's belly button.

She looks up to make sure that Olivia is okay with this, the question is poised on her lips, but the brunette beats her to it.

"I want it.." She whispers, spreading her legs slightly as a second confirmation. "I want to feel your mouth on me."

That's all Amanda needs. She pushes Olivia's legs apart a little wider and lashes her tongue and teeth (semi-gently) at the inside of the older woman's thigh, sloppily licking her way to her desired destination. And when she gets a first taste of that wetness between Olivia's legs, she tells herself she's never tasted anything better.

Something _so_ sweet, raw honey has no choice but to be envious.

She feels the sheets pull around her, but she doesn't stop to look up. She just assumes that Olivia is gripping the bed.

She'll admit, she had the brief thought when starting this that maybe she'd be bad at it, but now, as she's licking and sucking every inch of this woman's sex, she knows that she had nothing to worry about.

She sucks Olivia's clit into her mouth gently, tongue pressing against it firmly before flicking rapidly. Amanda can't help but devour her. She doesn't allow herself time to revel though, because they're both tired, and this is what Olivia deserves. So she plunges her tongue inside, as deep as she can, and grips the older woman's hips as they grind against her hungry mouth.

It only takes a few thrusts before the brunette is coming, back arching up off the bed and fingers spearing through the blonde's hair as her entire body vibrates with pleasure. She's silent for the most part, only a few deep, ragged breaths pushing out of parted lips.

When she's sure Olivia has come down from her high, Amanda pulls away slightly. She's too tired to move completely though, so she just rests her head on Olivia's lower stomach, letting out a rough breath into damp, heated skin. Her fingers caress the outside of the older woman's thighs softly while Olivia's hand caresses the back of her head.

"Come up here. Let's go back to sleep." Olivia murmurs, voice hoarse with post-orgasm scratchiness.

After a few more deep breaths, Amanda happily obliges, lazily moving up to wrap her arm and leg around the older woman's body and falls back asleep, holding the woman she's loved for years.

….

She thinks Olivia is asleep. She assumes at least, because of the fact that the older woman hasn't moved since about a quarter into the movie. Neither were really paying much attention to the film, which is usually what happens when they curl up on the couch and turn the television on. They take the mindless time to relax and focus on something else for a while, and it's one of their favorite pastimes. Aside from gardening, which is admittedly growing on Amanda.

She's been craving a sopapilla for about twenty minutes now, but she doesn't want to risk waking Olivia up.

Eventually though, her hunger wins over, and she- as carefully as she can- maneuvers her body away.

"I'm not sleeping." She hears, and freezes. A smile breaks across her face and she looks down to see amused brown eyes gazing up at her.

"Well then you must have really been enjoying the movie, because I could have sworn you _were_ asleep." She says, watching as Olivia sits up and stretches her unused limbs. She can't help but let her eyes linger at the patch of skin that exposes itself as the older woman moves.

"Okay, maybe I fell asleep for a little while.." The brunette hums, scooting her body close to the younger woman's. Amanda laughs against Olivia's lips for a moment before succumbing to the feeling of being so close.

Two days _after,_ and she's still turned on by their intimate encounters.

She intends to pull away, and when she does, Olivia lets out a disappointed sound. "I'm hungry, Liv." She defends, brushing her fingers through the older woman's hair softly. She's not going anywhere and they both know it. She's not _that_ hungry. But a little teasing doesn't hurt. "Aren't you? We skipped lunch.."

"Not really." She replies dryly, leaning her elbow against the back of the couch. Even now, with absolutely no makeup on, hair in her usual half up-half down style, sporting an oversized sweater and leggings, she looks absolutely stunning. She bites her lip and smiles shyly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I um.. I have something else in mind, actually."

Amanda knows. But she plays along. "What's that?"

Olivia doesn't speak as she pushes the blonde back so that her head is resting comfortably against the arm of the couch. She slips a leg between the younger woman's and smiles again, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the corner of her lover's mouth. "I wanna make love to you."

And even though Olivia's shown her what heaven looks like twice in as many days, this third time will still feel like the first.

They intertwine their fingers and the older woman raises their conjoined hands to the arm of the couch and presses them there, holding herself up against the edge of the couch with her other hand. Their eyes hold each other, swirl with love and devotion, never breaking contact; even when Olivia leans down to press their lips together. It somehow feels more intimate. Deeper. More intense.

It wouldn't matter if they were here, or on their bed, or outside in the middle of nowhere-nothing matters except for them right now. Forever.

Their eyes finally slip closed as the kiss deepens, Olivia lowers her body so that they're flush together, breasts against breasts, legs in between legs. Amanda can't help but moan, there's nowhere inside of her for it to remain, and so she lets it escape from deep in her throat, creating the only other sound in the room aside from the television.

She wants to turn it off, or at least mute it, but she's too engrossed in their connection to voice her request.

They move as if they're one, removing clothes fluidly while keeping their lips fused together. Soon, Amanda is completely naked, while Olivia still has her panties on. Their bare breasts brush together as the older woman hovers above her.

"I love you." Olivia whispers when she pulls away, wide, brown eyes confirming the soft words. She means them.

"I love you too."

The brunette moves down, taking a rosy pert nipple into her mouth and sucks lightly before pulling away, "I love how you take care of me."

Amanda's breath picks up as a warm hand trails from waist to hip, then moves slowly inward, towards her awaiting arousal.

"I love how you look at me."

Fingers dip into honey curls. Blue eyes slip closed for a moment before opening again, meeting dark brown ones, swirling with arousal and adoration.

"I love how you react to my touch."

And then it dawns on Amanda. Everything Olivia's struggled to say in the past, is being said now, during a deeply vulnerable moment, and it makes the words even more meaningful.

Olivia's lips part and she presses them against Amanda's straining, taut jaw, dragging them over to the younger woman's ear. She nibbles softly as her fingers push into the blonde's hot, wet opening.

She sees stars, feels then bursting inside of her, to the rhythm of Olivia's deep strokes. She reaches up to grasp at the material of the armrest, arching her back as the older woman speeds up her pace.

She pushes the leg between the older woman's thighs up, urging her to grind against it.

And soon, they're moving like soft waves against the shore. Slow, even movements, punctuated by breathy moans and whimpers.

Olivia speeds up the motion of her hips, along with the thrust of her fingers. "I'm gonna come.. I-"

"Don't hold back." The brunette purrs hotly, dragging her tongue across the straining pulse point.

Amanda's hand clamps down on the fleshy mound of Olivia's backside and freezes, letting the tsunami of an orgasm obliterate her entire body.

Whatever they did just now, was not _making love._

God, it was so much more.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thank you all for joining me on this journey.**

 **Chapter 15**

Early morning seems to always be the best time to crack open tired eyes. Amanda had thought, for some reason, that maybe out here, she'd sleep in more, but that wasn't—isn't true. From her irregular sleep schedule in New York, comes a similar one in the beautiful state of New Mexico.

Not that she _minds_ waking up early. Because most of the time, when she does, it's before Olivia. And this- in the early morning hours, their room lit only by sunshine peeking through the drawn curtains- is the time she really, _truly,_ looks at her lover. Who, for the fifth morning in three weeks, is completely naked underneath these soft sheets.

In all her life, through the shittiest times, and even the best, _love_ had just been a word. It was there. Spoken to her by her mother, her sister, never her father. The obligatory line that her family spouted out when they felt circumstances called for it. A word that her first boyfriend had used to get into her pants. A word that, the more often she heard it, the more meaningless it became. It was exactly what it was. A word.

And now, staring at thick brown hair, silky tanned skin, pink lips that knew how to kiss any doubts away, a nose that loves to smell flowers every day.. All Amanda can thinks is that Love is real.

It's not a meaningless word. It's alive and pulsing with passion and adoration and care. It holds the entirety of her soul in it and she gives that fragile bundle to the one thing that deserves it the most.

" _I love you so much."_

The words slip out effortlessly, softly. And even though she knows that Olivia is sound asleep, she hopes they reached the deepest part of the older woman.

Her phoenix.

She watches Olivia sleep, the way her chest rises and falls with every even breath.

The brunette's nipples are hard, perhaps from the coolness of the sheet resting softly upon them. Perhaps from the thought, the _knowledge,_ that when she wakes up, Amanda will lavish and worship them.

She wonders if Olivia will ever be able to be as confident as she once was. The confidence she saw when she was with _Brian._ The seasoned detective knew she was sexy and knew how to use it.

She wonders if their lovemaking will always be slow and cautious and exploratory, or if one day it will reach a frantic, passionate, almost _carnal_ pace that will have no room or tolerance for softness. Amanda's okay with either. For three weeks after that beautiful first time, they'd explored and it's been nothing short of breathtaking.

"Why are you awake so early?" Olivia breaks her loud silence. Loud from the thoughts running through her head.

"I dunno. Habit I guess." Amanda smiles, snuggling closer to the older woman. It's gotta be nearing six AM.

"Well." She breathes out, eyes still closed. "Your thinking is so loud, I thought you were talking." She cracks, voice hoarse. The cause? It could be one of two things. Hell, even both; crying out in pleasure only a handful of hours before _or_ the dryness of just waking up. Either way it makes the blonde want her all over again.

"I'm sorry, baby." Is all she can come up with, a half smile as the other woman finally turns to her side and opens her soft brown eyes.

"It's okay." She smiles back lazily, her blinks slower than usual. Another sexy sign of her awakening.

There's a slight chill in the house, never fully able to keep out the cold morning air. They burrow under the blankets and press their lips together, by now uncaring of whatever morning breath they claim to have. Their mouths dance together, the most familiar taste to each of them is now a sign of comfort.

And as they roll around in their bed, unhurriedly dragging sheets away from one another's heated body, Amanda can't help but think about how much they've grown. Changed. And not just Olivia. Maybe it's the atmosphere, or the change in scenery, or just purely New Mexico, but there's a new life in both of them, brighter and more solid than before.

 **One Year Later**

"There." Amanda tosses the electric drill to the ground and dusts her hands off. She squints as she stares at her handy work. A new, beautiful picket fence, (their second go-around putting one up) painted white, surrounds the entirety of Olivia's garden, which has now doubled in size. The blonde swipes a bead of sweat off her forehead and turns to look at her lover, eyebrow arched, "What do you think?"

"I think you're sexy when you play Handy Mandy."

She screws her face up and barks out a dry laugh, "You did not just say that."

The brunette, whose long hair is pulled back into a ponytail nods wanly. "I did." She sasses, taking a quick look around the yard. "This looks beautiful, babe." She sighs dreamily, stepping into her girlfriend and planting a deep, appreciative kiss on her lips. "I have a nice big lunch waiting for you inside. And maybe, if you aren't too tired, a bubble bath a little bit later."

"With you?"

"If you want."

Amanda smirks, letting her hands roam down to the older woman's generous backside, "You need to shoot me if I ever say I don't want a bath with you." She jokes, giving the other woman's bottom a light swat.

They can do this now. They've _been_ doing this. For almost a year and a half, they've spent every moment they can together, healing, learning, growing, and it's been the best experience of Amanda's life. And she's pretty sure Olivia's too.

There's days where Olivia doesn't want a lot of physical contact, even some where she can't stand to be touched at all. But they work through those days together, Olivia goes to her sessions, which are now few and far between.

There are thing in Amanda's life that needed changing as well, things that had been in the back of her mind. And with a few therapy sessions of her own, she's come to learn that she needed healing too. From her past, from Atlanta, New York, the stress that came with Olivia's nightmares.. It all impacted her more than she realized.

And she learned that Olivia wasn't- _isn't_ the only phoenix.

 **If you have any ideas/requests you'd like me to turn into a new story, I'm all ears. My review box and PM's are open to all.**


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